Crazy smiling woman in the eyeglasses

Babysitter Odds

During a Monday-morning weekend recap, a co-worker and I covered my performance guest worship leading at St Johns Wesleyan Church in North Portland, the awfulness of the new Adam Sandler movie Pixels, the superiority of Daniel Craig in the role of James Bond vs every other actor who has played the...

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Close up detail of a classic car at a car show

Scrolling Oldie

The man rolled down the street behind the wheel of his classic Chevy pickup. He turned the radio dial as far as his wrist would allow, feeling a bone crackle in protest. He passed pop, country pop, hip-hop, and several other closely related mutations, but failed to find what he wanted: classic...

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Figuren-Serie: Mann entsorgen - na so etwas!

Death Benefits

He opened his eyes to a world of blurry shapes and muted sounds. He had no clue who he was or where he was, and thought, I have no clue who I am or where I am. A novelist by trade, the plague of redundantly repeating in dialogue what he'd just specified in narrative had always dogged him. ...

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Shocked woman

Conditioning Drills

She left the NYC salon on a high. ...

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wand gold sparkles 1

Boxed Magic

Since moving to Portland, OR in August, we've been trying out several new stores for grocery shopping. Sam's Club doesn't exist in Portland. No results within 100 miles of our zip code. (Probably too many Walmart execs left their engines idling while the draw-bridge to City Center was up and were...

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bat isolated on white background

Mousebat

Mousebat opened its eyes, then quickly closed them when light struck the virgin lenses. The creature's eyes were so sensitive to the effects of light, it was only able to lift the lids a millimeter at a time, every few minutes, until hours later, its eyes finally adjusted enough to permit them...

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Good Kitty No More

Cat Finds a Way

On June 13, 2015, Tropical Storm Bill dumped 1.83 inches of rain on Moline, IL, where we reside, which broke a record for rainfall in a 24-hour period that had stood since 1880. Yay, us. ...

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The New PSP

The New PSP

Causality is difficult to determine. Although it is easy enough to observe event A and then event B and conclude that, assuming a plausible relationship exists between the two, A somehow caused B to happen, how do we prove this? ...

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Fortune Favors the Bold Proverb

Erring on the Side of Recklessness

When I was a teenager, I was into BMX dirt-jumping, spending many summers building ramps in the fields behind my best friend Nick's house. While the rest of the world was having fun at city pools and water parks, Nick and I and our cohorts were digging holes. ...

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golden iced lolly

Perishable Relics

The explorer burst into the temple at a run, breathing hard from the exertion. She skidded to a stop and scanned around, willing her eyes to adjust quickly to the dim light. The ancient guardians of the temple were fast on her heels, their heavy footballs echoing off the ancient stone, growing...

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Air against Fire

Alternative Medicine

Walter had been away deployed with his unit oversees for over a year. Elizabeth, his loyal wife and ardent lover, managed their home and business in his absence. The pharmacy had been in the family for five generations. Though it wasn't the sexiest of operations, it provided a healthy income, which...

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Happy funny guy have a great idea!

Macho Rimshot

The American male conjures a home improvement project, draws plans, creates a budget, stays within said budget, and finishes the project with a final product that neither exceeds nor diminishes from the original plan, but instead exactly resembles the mental conjuring. ...

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insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

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Abandoned old cars

5 Excuses for the Disintegration of the Family Car

In 2012, we bought a 2009 Dodge Journey. At the time, it was a sweet ride. Alloy wheels, gun-metal gray paint, Green Goblin-esque green glowing lights illuminating the dials--it was a pimped ride, in my opinion, or as close as I, with three kids and having been married almost a decade, was ever...

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Angry Zeus

God of Goonies

I started driving a new work vehicle. It's the latest model of Toyota Camry, complete with a bunch of features that are cool, but also annoying. Case in point: the audio system automatically syncs with my iPhone, which is cool when you want to play tunes from your iTunes library through the car's...

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San Fermin

Hemingway Running

I've been a runner since age nine, when my dad said he would buy me a new pair of running shoes if I went two miles without stopping. I had played youth soccer, t-ball, and gotten out of neighborhood trouble more than a few times because I was swift on my feet. However, I had never made a point of...

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Accident web button

Stumbling Into Dancing

I cannot dance. I look like a mannequin, strung up like a marionette and attached with a chain to a rusty, unreliable lawnmower, which determines my movements and is always rolling over bumpy ground. ...

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sexy girl with dark hair in swimsuit and sunglasses

5 Reasons Retro Aviators Are Awesome

We're finally getting into some acceptably warm weather here in the Midwest. Temps have been in the 60s and 70s. Winds have kicked up, but they've had a touch of heat to them, like a warm blanket after you take it out of the dryer, sans the static electric shock. Uncharacteristic for this spring...

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Future

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #5

In the spring of 2002, the janitorial company that employed me transferred me from floating status (bumming around from account to account every night. Filling in where a team member was out or the client wanted an extra large collection of paid workers sitting around on their rears. Excuse...

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where is my coffee?

Inbred Mate-ing

I love coffee. I also love the lining of my stomach. (You know, gastrointestinal surgery to correct ulcers was a close candidate for the bucket list. Just missed the cut.) Accordingly, I usually drink my brew with a generous helping of Coffee-mate hazelnut creamer. One, two, three taps of the...

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