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Starter Memories

He wrote with the eloquence of Hemingway but spoke with the cadence of R2-D2. That sentiment is what I sought to avoid when I joined Toastmasters. This week, I gave my first speech: the Ice-Breaker. As directed, I reduced this to notes and spoke extemporaneously. Full text: ...

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Crazy electrician

Faulty Wiring

I've been trying to get a bunch of construction project managers together to answer questions regarding one of our management consulting engagements. The issues are complicated enough, involving both state and federal tax law, but this is made even more of a pain in the boohahna since they all live...

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The Big B**** Theory

We recently started watching The Big Bang Theory. At first, I was unconvinced a show starring Darlene's boyfriend would be a worthwhile investment of my time, but after a few episodes displaying acting chops doubtless acquired from years removed play-freaking a future lesbian, I realized, with...

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The Missing Taffy Link

Three summers ago, I flew the family to the California bay area to visit my wife's extended family. The week-long trip culminated in a walk along the Santa Monica beach, building sand-castles while the Pacific lapped against our fragile creations....

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Invalid Mom vs Kamikaze Grandma

Do yo' love yo' momma? I know I loves my momma. Don't yo' go tellin' me I don't love my momma. I knows what I knows. Yeeayah....

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Easy Slide: Friend or Woo-Hoo! Agent?

A few weeks ago, we traveled up to Grundy Center, IA, for my Grandma JoJo's 80th birthday party. Grandma has always been the picture of kindness and generosity. Seriously, I think she and Mother Teresa once had a cat fight. ("I'm the nicest!" "No, I'm the nicest, Be-to-the-otch!") Grandma JoJo's...

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Secret Sauce Screwup

Arby's has blown it....

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4G Orgy

When I think about organizations for which a wireless carrier could be confused, I think of things like Cold War Russia, Nazi scientists, and printer ink salesmen....

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Decadent Dinner

I'm not a sweets guy. ...

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Musical Grass

Wherever you stand in the debate to legalize marijuana, I'll bet at least some of you get an image of Bob Marley or the (drug-high affectation) dudes from Dude, Where's My Car? when you think of this social issue....

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Bag Lady

Among the milestones a father hopes to see his daughter pass are the following: learning to walk, talk, not getting pregnant in high-school. Ok, skipped a few years, but you get me, right?...

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All that Dying Sucks

Parents: if your children behave like Beetlejuice when you say it's time to go to swim class, monsters from a Stephen King novel replacing facial features, pay attention. There is cause for concern....

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Screwy Segue

The silver-haired, could-resemble-Ben-Franklin grandparent strolls the aisles, looking for the perfect gift for his granddaughter. He finds it, brings it to her party, and suddenly has a change of heart....

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Pillow Problems

Do you sleep in the valley of the shadow of a pillow that has lost its glory? That exists on your bed as a symbol of comfort that once was? That is smashed in the middle because somebody, not the kids, was bouncing up and down, even though you wanted to go to sleep (insert laugh track)?...

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Cooking Me Gently

Alessandra pushed back the auburn hair from her face and it fell across her shoulder. ...

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Men, Babies, & the Law

This post title is a book/pamphlet/dvd/some type of educational material title. All I saw was the invoice with this title, so I don't know for sure. Yes, I could look it up, but I feel my esoteric powers of comedic comprehension are in best shape when I assume. So much more fun that way, too....

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Seth Sucks Cat

When you see humor in your humor, is it a sign of conceit, all-around brilliance, or incredible Sucksville residency?...

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'[C]how things go'

Advertisers are always coming up with new names for the same old shit to try to trick us into thinking said shit is worthy of buying. ...

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'80% of cup size'

I read in a bar operations manual that because of ice, business owners should use 80% of cup-size to determine serving size for a glass of fountain pop. Then I thought, because I'm obsessed with my wife's boobies, What if this were a manual describing how to deal with post-pregnancy boobage loss?...

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