angry tattooed man

Family Maxims #32

Many years ago, I worked as a cashier for a large retail chain. The job was so glamorous and fulfilling that I barely had any time at all to draw barbed-wire tattoos on my arms. ...

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Family Maxims #31

You're ticked off on your way home. Maybe it's because your shower started leaking after you installed ceramic tile, and the only way to find the leak is to rip up the floor, and you're starting to wake up in the morning saying some variation of WTF? ...

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Family Maxims #30

We shall recognize when higher education will be...

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Family Maxims #29

"Daddy, I love you," my son said after calling me into his room near midnight. He sounded like he had gotten into the Mike's Hard and was trying to push through the buzz....

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Family Maxims #28

We shall be hostile toward the opportunity cost of people who waste our time....

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Family Maxims #27

We shall always be aware of how our presence affects others' lives. And get out the way when necessary....

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Family Maxims #26

We shall recognize that the people who achieve the most success are the ones being written about, not the ones doing the writing....

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Family Maxims #25

We shall master the art of respectfully ignoring the "Polly"(s) in our lives....

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Family Maxims #24

You stand there on your corner...

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Family Maxims #23

Going through the checkout line...

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Family Maxims #22

I was driving home from work...

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Family Maxims #21

Have you ever left a retail store...

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Family Maxims #20

When I was 18, I sat down at the piano to test my range. It was the late-nineties, and boy-band mania had taken the nation, make that the entire world, by storm ... of hair gel and peroxide....

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Family Maxims #19

I left the baked goods at home. Therefore, I am scum....

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Family Maxims #18

I overheard some teenagers talking about getting someone to master their demo cd so they would have a product to sell when they played a gig later that week, and I rolled my eyes....

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Family Maxims #17

I once punched somebody in the stomach. I'm not proud of it (well, maybe a little), but it happened. I was around ten-years-old and was participating in cross-country at the time. Though the movie Forest Gump wouldn't come along for many more years, I had something in common with that weird-talking...

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Family Maxims #16

The photo shows a boy in distress. Cords stand out on his neck as though a slide-lock chain were asked to support the weight of an oil-tanker anchor. His eyes are rolled back. Every muscle appears ready to release its stored nuclear power....

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Family Maxims #15

Being an asshole has its place, such as when a distracted driver tries to run down you, your son, and your dog, but these moments should be chosen carefully. I think Tucker Max, author of "Assholes Finish First," is funny, but toys with the extreme edge of things, almost bordering on...

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nun

Family Maxims #14

"And that servant, which knew his lord's will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he that knew not, and did not commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much...

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Family Maxims #13

My wallet feels lighter these days. It's not because I've decided to go green and get one of those ultra-stupid paper wallets (my definition of "going green" is getting a huge suv in hunter green). I guess it's more of a figurative lightness than anything else, seeing how I stopped paying with cash...

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