bat isolated on white background

Mousebat

Mousebat opened its eyes, then quickly closed them when light struck the virgin lenses. The creature's eyes were so sensitive to the effects of light, it was only able to lift the lids a millimeter at a time, every few minutes, until hours later, its eyes finally adjusted enough to permit them...

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Accident web button

Stumbling Into Dancing

I cannot dance. I look like a mannequin, strung up like a marionette and attached with a chain to a rusty, unreliable lawnmower, which determines my movements and is always rollingĀ over bumpy ground. ...

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superhero

Baby Girl Flyweight

Ascending the stairs was a step in the midst of an efficiently-engineered process. ...

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Little girl in her mother"s shoes

Spit-Shine Shennanigans

Amy went into our main-floor bathroom on Monday to find Ella standing in the middle of the floor, bent over her new ballet flats, rubbing away with her sock on the outer skin of the shoes. Tiny food chunks clung to the shoes, becoming tinier and tinier, messier and messier, with each swipe of the...

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Toilet Queuing

Sabotaging the Throne

My seven-year-old daughter, Anna, takes forever in the bathroom. It's her private time. I respect that. But with that respect comes a lack of knowledge about what's going on. Why in the world does it take 30 minutes to take a shower? You're friggin' tiny! I've thought about (jokingly. Well,...

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Arrow, signs, not, my, fault, shifting, blame

Blankets, Bags, and Blame-Shifting

Our kids attend AWANA Club. AWANA is a great program for kids, but it gets out pretty late, so after arriving home, we put the kids to bed a short time later. When I turned to hug Ella, our two-year-old, goodnight, I misjudged her position and clocked her in the head with my elbow. She acted like...

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Feedback Word Computer Keyboard Key Opinion

Natural-Born Heckler

For almost five years, I have been trying my hand at humor writing. I believe I've accomplished a lot, but as I do with all my endeavors, I believe I still have a long way to go before reaching Nirvana. Should I ever get to that point, where each word I type results in a pile of cash appearing in my...

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Cutie

Maiden Manipulation

An old furniture store in our city was recently converted into a bowling alley/arcade/restaurant/bar. The owner dubbed it "QC Family Entertainment." I suspect he or she has paid off members of the press assigned to report on bar-fights and instances of indecent exposure, and more than a few...

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baby-villain

Baby Villain

Laughing echoes through the corridors. Tones reminiscent of someone who has just severed a head with his bare hands, or snapped a neck with flicks of the wrists, or levied death blows with repeated pugilistic fists. ...

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Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

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I'll Take Plastic

"Flowers, chocolates, promises you don't intend to keep," said Cogsworth of Disney's Beauty and the Beast on what the Beast might give Belle to win her affections. Beast gave her a library. Showoff....

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'Do I look fantastic?'

Back in the early nineties, a quip was popular that expressed sarcastic distaste for whatever had been perceived: "NOT!"...

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Kid Crack

If you had to choose between producing a Moby-Dick-sized report for your latest project or distilling your main points into a couple tightly-written paragraphs, you'd probably choose the latter, right?...

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Forgone Festivity

I'm no Scrooge. I give money to the kids who hock candy door-to-door (seems as good a time as any to clean out the couch cushions), and this past Christmas season, I broke my tradition of not decorating our house with lights....

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Focus Factor

Have you tried to write the Great American Novel? I have, and maybe some day I'll get it done, provided they perfect cryogenic freezing and Lawnmower Man learning techniques....

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Bag Lady

Among the milestones a father hopes to see his daughter pass are the following: learning to walk, talk, not getting pregnant in high-school. Ok, skipped a few years, but you get me, right?...

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Tagalong

Last summer, we started Will in golf lessons. It's an old joke, but I still maintain that having a retirement plan, even if it's a fantasy, is better than nothing. ...

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Roadblocks

I used to picture a road-block as a wooden barricade painted orange and white, something prone to induce immediate cursing....

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Humans vs Kids

Of all the possible defenses for getting out of doing what parents have asked, claims of existing inside the life-form suit of another entity must be in the minority....

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