Crazy smiling woman in the eyeglasses

Babysitter Odds

During a Monday-morning weekend recap, a co-worker and I covered my performance guest worship leading at St Johns Wesleyan Church in North Portland, the awfulness of the new Adam Sandler movie Pixels, the superiority of Daniel Craig in the role of James Bond vs every other actor who has played the...

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Figuren-Serie: Mann entsorgen - na so etwas!

Death Benefits

He opened his eyes to a world of blurry shapes and muted sounds. He had no clue who he was or where he was, and thought, I have no clue who I am or where I am. A novelist by trade, the plague of redundantly repeating in dialogue what he'd just specified in narrative had always dogged him. ...

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Air against Fire

Alternative Medicine

Walter had been away deployed with his unit oversees for over a year. Elizabeth, his loyal wife and ardent lover, managed their home and business in his absence. The pharmacy had been in the family for five generations. Though it wasn't the sexiest of operations, it provided a healthy income, which...

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Read the Fine Print Magnifying Glass Words

Valentine's Day TLC (terms of loving conditions)

Today, my wife of almost 12 years, Amy, will be schlepping the kids to the library, a destination sought only after hauling them to swimming lessons this morning at 9:15a, also a destination sought only after coaxing three children under age 10 out of bed and into a state of acceptable outdoor dress...

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Sicher ist sicher (mit Freistellungspfad)

Good Stuff (it's not beer)

Have you ever tried to break into Fort Knox? Neither have I, but I imagine the process would be similar in difficulty to gaining access to some of my wife's baked goods. ...

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double winner


There were six minutes to go until midnight on Saturday. I had to be up at 3am for work. The choices were simple: go to bed or play with my wife.  (And I do mean play.) ...

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Freshly Perplexed and Victorious

Running your own business is a great thing. You get to set your own hours, salary, benefits, do all the hiring, firing, make all the strategic decisions, pay all the bills. You are the man. But what many fail to realize is that all that power only sounds great. ...

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Evidence has recently presented that I have either lost my mind or grew up pretty darn close to the beginning of time, which, I now realize, possibly makes me a vampire, seeing how I don't age (I get that "Oh, great" look when I buy beer). ...

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Down with Dutch

You enjoy a wonderful five-course meal with your date at your favorite Japanese steakhouse, sit back in your chair, and breathe a contented sigh. Ah, it's good to be affluent and American, you think. The check comes. You reach for your credit card, and your server says, "No problem, sir. Your date...

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Resistance Is Futile

Question: Is it worth your time and effort to struggle with the implications of diet and exercise and how this will affect your lifestyle? Does it make a difference when these struggles happen on a crazy-hot summer day, and you find yourself drawn to the dark-side of the grocery store?...

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Shake Subterfuge

Hey, Guys, I'm talking to you. Have you wondered why it's so hard to lose those last five, 10, ... 100 pounds (it's less depressing to call them all the "last" pounds)? I have the answer. ...

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If you care about your wife, you know this sound well, and as long as you don't do Chandler's version of it, I think of you as a manly man and hold you in high regard....

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Poignant Produce

What do you do when your wife is crying? Buy her some jewelry? Give her a hug? Hand her the credit card for some retail therapy? Not me. I laugh....

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'Where's Daddy?'

"Ready or not, here I come." As long as a serial-killer isn't yelling those words as he walks into a house full of potential victims, that classic saying has a happy connotation....

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Sheet Snafu

You like sleeping on a burlap sack, right? Coarse, thick, durable--it's everything you could ever want in bedding, sure to never wear out and always leave tell-tale signs of anti-sleep activity....

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Humans vs Kids

Of all the possible defenses for getting out of doing what parents have asked, claims of existing inside the life-form suit of another entity must be in the minority....

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Down With Up

Now there's an interesting title for a grammarian to stew over. To capitalize or not? That is the question, and might not be worth the lowering of the schnoz from points north, but nevertheless encapsulates my wife's attempts to sabotage correcting my son....

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Tea Teaser

Last Christmas season, I discovered that green tea upped my energy and did a whole bunch more good stuff I'm too stupid to understand so I won't attempt to describe it, so I transitioned away from coffee. ...

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Money Maven

You know your wife trusts you with the family finances when she says, "I need you to get money out so I can go garage-sailing (cute pun for the vicissitudes of your finances in-between bouts of retail-therapy and your latest attempt to corner the local market on bank heists) tomorrow."...

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