Did You Just Fard?

What women do in the morning is private. Make the mistake of looking upon them before the requisite temple remodeling has been done and you're apt to have your face melt from shock, all the while thinking, Who is this creature?...

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Permanent Marker

Verb. The act of a weak of body and mind human male sounding his battle cry, likely forged in the woods while running around naked, his confidence becoming a fully grown Lord of the Rings fantasy arboreal character, and doing something bold with his life....

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Days Darkle

Many years ago, my brother-in-law Chris, if memory serves (and that contract's been in negotiations for a while), recommended watching the movie "Donnie Darko," starring Jake Gyllenhaal as the disturbed youth who envisions planes crashing into his house and evil bunny-rabbits foretelling the end of...

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Get Yo' Substrate

When you go to Subway, does it piss you off that they sometimes give you a sandwich with all kinds of curvature problems? All you wanted to do was take the family out for a nice lunch, hiding your cheapness under the guise of generosity, and you get your food, and instead of being straight, it's as...

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Persistence

You lawn is dying, flowers bent over in homage to a certain death, tomato plants producing fruit that can only be seen through a microscope, if producing anything at all. You know what you need to do? Crank the spigot....

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Conrats

Strange pet owners and one awesome Animaniacs character aside, all rats are evil, right? Can I get an amen? Thought so....

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Acrospat

Word genesis comes from Will telling me what a plastic man was called that he was putting on a tight-rope of string he and Anna had strung between the movie shelf and one of the dining room chairs....

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'Bling, Bling Got a Ding, Ding?'

What did you think of after reading this headline? If your mind hangs out in the gutter (translation: you really, really, really, really like sex with your wife cause she's freaking ha-ah-ot), you conjured a double-entendre, and that's fine, because it fits perfectly with the latest entry in Seth's...

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Psycho Cynic

Need justification for something your parents disapprove of? Look to the latest definition of "cynicism."...

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What's the Dealio?

We're all working angles on some level, so it should come as common knowledge that this next piece of jargon really means:...

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Cold Stuff

Worthless colloquialisms come and go. Most never rise to the action-required level, but I've found one, folks....

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You're a Yin

In need of a new insult word for an annoying woman (could be a wife, girlfriend, mother, lady who cuts in front of you when cashier calls you over to her lane (hypothetical, of course)? Then I'm your man....

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Dirty 'Shampoo'

Have you ever had an orgasm while washing your hair? No, no, I'm not talking about what you might be doing with your free hand or what someone else might be doing to you (we really do need a bigger shower, Honey); I'm talking about the singular act of washing your hair. ...

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You Can't Touch This Base

"You work with what you've got, and we'll touch-base on your project in a few months," my boss said. I nodded, only to cringe moments later. The project specs were fine. It wasn't what he said; it was what he said to say it. Got it?...

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This Is So Overbut

We all expect socialites to take liberties with English, right? Whether it's using it to make themselves look stupid--or accentuating a known fact--or to invent new entries for Merriam-Webster, it's why we tune in to mindless shows like The Girls Next Door, Keeping Up with the Kardashians, and,...

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Death to the Man-Cave

The room lurks close to the foundation. It provides liquid refreshment during extended bouts of NFL weekends, comfort to weary muscles during less intense big-screen-watching moments, and a safe place of sanctuary to escape the town hag, whose honey-do list making and assigning are considered...

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