cartoon faces

5 Reasons Kids Suck

1. Gummy Vitamins ...

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One 3D lego yellow block

The LEGO Movie Way

In The LEGO Movie, during the scene where Emmet and his gang arrive at Cloud Cuckoo Land, Unikitty, with her effervescent (bordering on psychopathic bi-polar) personality describes the appearing-like-a-circus, multi-colored, multi-styled, multi-use-of-drugs-infused-into-plastic society as being...

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Evil face with red eyes

Besting the Beast

The cornered beast crouches in the darkness of the dungeon, shrinking from its attackers and would-be torturers, backing up slowly until it brushes against the slick, pungent walls, disease-ridden fungi dislodging from its perch and falling to the floor, some going airborne. But the beast isn't in...

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standing human skeleton behind the glass with alcohol

When Death Gives You Lemons

As a boy, D.S. Howe and his friend John were hanging out in D.S.' room. John said he was hungry for an apple. D.S. went to the fridge and saw they had a gross of apples and one lemon. D.S. loved apples in any form, feeling his stomach tighten and a sneer creeping onto his face when his friend had...

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Horrible maniac

The Chain Tensioner Principle

"You know, that little screw there will do the same thing you just did, with a lot less work," my protégé said. And with that, my world view regarding process efficiencies and chain saw pallet destruction metrics changed forever. ...

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Man jumps into a dangerous lake

Crimes of the Catty

Standing at the window outside Will and Anna's swimming class, I was privy to the criticisms of one of the instructors from a catty parent regarding said instructor's interaction with a small child who was visibly afraid to jump off the diving board. ...

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Stressed businessman

Relationship Retooling

The man stares at his computer screen, a bewildered look on his face. He has just spent the last several hours organizing invoices, only to find that he organized the wrong folder, leaving him with the decision of either being late for dinner or stuck with a huge mountain of work the next day. He...

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To have stones is a good thing. Whether in the context of confronting a school-yard bully, a sadistic boss, or an unruly child (the preceding two not always mutually exclusive), having a gross of stones on your side is helpful. ...

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UFO Abduction


I'd like to blame Stephen King for the tires going bald on my car. Sure it's a 2001 Kia Sportage with almost 100,000 miles on it, and probably has as much business driving at speeds above 70mph (even with new tires) as a sumo wrestler has landing a spot on the US synchronized swimming team, but it's...

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'That's why I was farting so much'

"I needed to go potty. That's why I was farting so much." Anna on why she needed to rush to the bathroom when we went upstairs for bedtime. ...

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Willing Wino

I love my kids so much, they drive me to drink--water, that is. ...

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"And that, class, is how you find the equation of a line through two points," the teacher said. She paused and surveyed her students. Some were looking toward her, though whether they were paying attention was impossible to tell. Staring ahead was associated equally with plotting to acquire weed,...

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Sh*t, Son!

A distracted driver almost ended three lives last summer....

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Pint-Size Picasso

I'm looking for suggestions for wall-treatments. Well, not suggestions so much as opinions for what's currently displayed in my house. So here goes. What do you think of Post-it Notes as a design scheme?...

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Audible Accessories

When you dream of what your children will do when they grow up, do you envision them donning space-suits, taking the oath of office, raising their hands in the endzone on Superbowl Sunday, trotting around the bases in November amidst the hyperflashing press, adding the letters MD or JD after their...

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I’m So Mean to *You*?!?!

The fleshy portions inch closer and closer to the edge of the chair, their owner ignoring all warnings that have been spelled out if contact from the chair is lost. A few hundred threads touch the surface. Then, one-by-one, they drop off the edge, until both child and chair are left standing solo....

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Controlling Success

Stanford psychologists did a study in the 1990s where each participant in a group of children was given one of two types of praise upon completing a simple puzzle: 1) "You must be smart at this." And 2) "You must have worked really hard."...

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Finite Springs

I was talking with Amy on my cell this afternoon while she was driving home with the kids from her mom's. Her visit lasted longer than expected, and Will fell asleep on the ride home. We got off the phone once she pulled up because she was going to attempt to get him upstairs and into bed without...

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Be Loud

Imagine this scenario: You get into your car after a long day at work. Despite ridiculously cold temperatures for the last five months, today's mercury climbs above 80. Given that it's the Midwest, that figure is infused with humidity. Thus, being the seeker of comfort that you are, you crank the...

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Look First

I was driving with the kids last Saturday. They were both trying to get me to get toys for them while I was driving. Realizing the danger inherent if I were to comply, I refused, and refused, and refused, etc., etc....

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