Pop Art Businessman Sweating in Warm Office with Fan. Vector illustration

Sweat, Inc.

I sweat at night when we're sitting on the couch. It's like I'm afraid that at any minute, some black-ops interrogator is going to burst through the door and start waterboarding me. Black Ops Dude: "We know you broke those candy bars in half while they were still in the wrappers when you were six,...

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10 Things I Learned from Fast & Furious Movies

Amy and I watched all eight Fast & Furious (FF) movies over the past couple of weeks. We had seen the first couple, but nothing post Paul Walker (RIP), and it had been years since the franchise debuted, so we started at the beginning. They are pure escapist pleasure, short on substantive plotting,...

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Happy funny guy have a great idea!

Macho Rimshot

The American male conjures a home improvement project, draws plans, creates a budget, stays within said budget, and finishes the project with a final product that neither exceeds nor diminishes from the original plan, but instead exactly resembles the mental conjuring. ...

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sexy girl with dark hair in swimsuit and sunglasses

5 Reasons Retro Aviators Are Awesome

We're finally getting into some acceptably warm weather here in the Midwest. Temps have been in the 60s and 70s. Winds have kicked up, but they've had a touch of heat to them, like a warm blanket after you take it out of the dryer, sans the static electric shock. Uncharacteristic for this spring...

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5 Super Bowl Alternatives

Following the Packers oh-no-you-dih-n't epic loss to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game, I, a jaded fan, in last week's column, raged against the improbability of it all. Throughout my business education and career, I've heard the principle of process consistency preached numerous times. ...

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brutal man with vintage straight razor

5 Reasons Shaving Is Like Getting Shivved

I hope when you shave your beard you don't suffer from varying degrees of sensitivity between your face and neck, varying degrees of sensitivity being the feeling of rubbing your face against your woman's boobs and, in contrast, rubbing your face against Hurley's boobs (the guy from LOST). I hope my...

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Spicy Chili Pepper label or sticker, vector

5 Reasons I Love Cholula

1. It flavors food enough to enhance one's tasting experience while generating sufficient heat to feel a burn on par with briefly smooching a wood-burning stove. It is not, like some hot sauces, the equivalent of opening said wood-burning stove, scooping a shovelful of burning embers, and popping...

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10 Reasons 312 Urban Wheat Ale Is Better Than Water

Next time you find yourself in Chicago, walking in the hot midday sun next to Lake Michigan, a long ways off from Navy Pier, your throat swelling up and feeling parched because you forgot to bring water, and you see a vendor selling bottled water, think twice before getting that bottle of water, and...

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Sick Woman.Flu.Woman Caught Cold. Sneezing into Tissue

10 Ways to Be an Average Husband While Your Wife Is Sick

1. Offer to cook dinner, buy take-out Chinese, bring back home, plate, and serve as your own, counting on her delirium to mask the absence of kitchen activity. ...

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Unhappy Woman

Resolution Modification

Make your New Year's resolution list yet? No, I don't mean the list for next year (although, that may be a good idea for those of you already off the wagon). I mean have you made it? If you've failed, no biggie. You're an average American. ...

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Alarm clock

Top 10 Kabala Holiday Priorities

1. It is totally acceptable to sleep in past the intended wake-up time of 6am when the intent of waking up is to exercise, expend energy, and make one likely to miss out on holiday gorging due to fatigue-induced napping. After-gorging napping is, of course, acceptable. ...

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Watching tv

10 Observations About Entertainment

1. It doesn't matter if I pay $50/month for cable, $8/month for Netflix, and $30/month to take my wife to the theater. Several times per year, Redbox and Family Video (a physical rental store, in case you forgot) will find a way into my wallet, providing a viewing experience that (whiny voice) just...

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America the Inscrutable

Remember the Tim Taylor grunt? That onomatopoeic sound that resembled a bull getting ready to charge, a cow getting tipped over, and a man, fresh off holiday gorging, getting a big--albeit pride-inducing--surprise upon his trip to the john the next day. ...

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5 Awesome Things

1. Flycatcher insect-catcher strips. There is no quick fix to the problem of insect infestation, and by infestation, I mean greater than or equal to one six-legged creature within the boundaries of my real-estate domain. But by hanging a couple of these in my basement, at least I can revel in my...

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10 Reasons 31 Is Better Than 30

Many people get melancholy the older they get, longing for younger days, when all it took to gain muscle was looking at a weight-room, and now, unfortunately, your olfactory senses have acquired the ability to convert smells into adipose tissue. Some things are harder, granted, but some things are...

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Shopping Shame

What does your shopping list say about you? Does it scream "Super Cool," or "Aging Wannabee," or ... you know, aging wannabe sounds good. Aren't we all trying to recapture glorious aspects of youth? Not ready to admit it yet? Ok, I'll go first....

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Easy Slide: Friend or Woo-Hoo! Agent?

A few weeks ago, we traveled up to Grundy Center, IA, for my Grandma JoJo's 80th birthday party. Grandma has always been the picture of kindness and generosity. Seriously, I think she and Mother Teresa once had a cat fight. ("I'm the nicest!" "No, I'm the nicest, Be-to-the-otch!") Grandma JoJo's...

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5 Ways to Compare 'How I Met Your Mother' with 'Friends'

1. Both esteem the virtues of sexual promiscuity/depravity, doubtless causing a lot of idiots to engage in this behavior, driving up the stock prices for companies that produce STD suppressant medications, so any time you hear about a successful sitcom that's set in NYC and follows the exploits of...

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5 Things Aspiring Singers Forget When They Try Out for American Idol

1. This is a talent show....

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