Angry Zeus

God of Goonies

I started driving a new work vehicle. It's the latest model of Toyota Camry, complete with a bunch of features that are cool, but also annoying. Case in point: the audio system automatically syncs with my iPhone, which is cool when you want to play tunes from your iTunes library through the car's...

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San Fermin

Hemingway Running

I've been a runner since age nine, when my dad said he would buy me a new pair of running shoes if I went two miles without stopping. I had played youth soccer, t-ball, and gotten out of neighborhood trouble more than a few times because I was swift on my feet. However, I had never made a point of...

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Accident web button

Stumbling Into Dancing

I cannot dance. I look like a mannequin, strung up like a marionette and attached with a chain to a rusty, unreliable lawnmower, which determines my movements and is always rolling over bumpy ground. ...

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sexy girl with dark hair in swimsuit and sunglasses

5 Reasons Retro Aviators Are Awesome

We're finally getting into some acceptably warm weather here in the Midwest. Temps have been in the 60s and 70s. Winds have kicked up, but they've had a touch of heat to them, like a warm blanket after you take it out of the dryer, sans the static electric shock. Uncharacteristic for this spring...

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Future

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #5

In the spring of 2002, the janitorial company that employed me transferred me from floating status (bumming around from account to account every night. Filling in where a team member was out or the client wanted an extra large collection of paid workers sitting around on their rears. Excuse...

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where is my coffee?

Inbred Mate-ing

I love coffee. I also love the lining of my stomach. (You know, gastrointestinal surgery to correct ulcers was a close candidate for the bucket list. Just missed the cut.) Accordingly, I usually drink my brew with a generous helping of Coffee-mate hazelnut creamer. One, two, three taps of the...

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Dad vs Neighbor1

TFF Strip #5

...

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Pepper And Razor

Shavin' and Screamin'

My mother's family, surname Borchardt, is descended from Germany. ...

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superhero

Baby Girl Flyweight

Ascending the stairs was a step in the midst of an efficiently-engineered process. ...

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Young man with lens

Searching for Cookies

103 days ago, I started a strategic initiative to achieve financial freedom, apex career status, and optimum mental health, all in rising amounts over the next decade. With any journey, it is important to set short-term goals to measure one's progress, ensure one has stayed on the path and avoided...

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Razor blade

Ride the Razor

Occam's Razor is a problem-solving heuristic, useful in choosing one explanation from many for unexplained circumstances. It says that when deciding among many possible solutions to a problem, choose the simplest, the one requiring the fewest assumptions. ...

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Read the Fine Print Magnifying Glass Words

Valentine's Day TLC (terms of loving conditions)

Today, my wife of almost 12 years, Amy, will be schlepping the kids to the library, a destination sought only after hauling them to swimming lessons this morning at 9:15a, also a destination sought only after coaxing three children under age 10 out of bed and into a state of acceptable outdoor dress...

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Russian-Optimism-Front-Cover-low-res

Review: Russian Optimism

A blonde youth, maybe four or five-years-old, gazes up from the tableau, a smile on his face. He holds the end of a piece of copper wire. It trails behind him, coiling like a snake. In the background on a shelf, Russian dolls stand in left-to-right ascending height order. Above this, the object on...

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BOYCOTT

5 Super Bowl Alternatives

Following the Packers oh-no-you-dih-n't epic loss to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game, I, a jaded fan, in last week's column, raged against the improbability of it all. Throughout my business education and career, I've heard the principle of process consistency preached numerous times. ...

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Fail (неудача). Печать и оттиск

From Green to Blew It

Last Sunday, the Green Bay Packers, my team since the 80s (so, my whole life), lost in spectacular fashion to the Seattle Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game, blowing a lead in the final minutes, torching a lot of respect, shedding fair-weather fans, and even more fashion fans, but most...

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Boy playing a piano

Practice, Practice, Practice

Nostalgia is nice. Could be some out-of-focus, hold-in-your-hands photos (remember those?) you took of a rad freestyle biker riding the spine at a local skate park. Could be the video you took of the owner, a former freestyle and vert riding pro, pulling some gravity-defying tricks and then abruptly...

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cartoon faces

5 Reasons Kids Suck

1. Gummy Vitamins ...

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One 3D lego yellow block

The LEGO Movie Way

In The LEGO Movie, during the scene where Emmet and his gang arrive at Cloud Cuckoo Land, Unikitty, with her effervescent (bordering on psychopathic bi-polar) personality describes the appearing-like-a-circus, multi-colored, multi-styled, multi-use-of-drugs-infused-into-plastic society as being...

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Little girl in her mother"s shoes

Spit-Shine Shennanigans

Amy went into our main-floor bathroom on Monday to find Ella standing in the middle of the floor, bent over her new ballet flats, rubbing away with her sock on the outer skin of the shoes. Tiny food chunks clung to the shoes, becoming tinier and tinier, messier and messier, with each swipe of the...

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