Children, not, allowed, sign

Barn Kids

Amy and I have been looking at properties with land, something on the order of 1-5 acres. One of these properties had several out-buildings (or outhouses, as Amy continues to misidentify them. Never at a loss for where to drop your drawers on our property!). These out-buildings weren't run-down,...

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Einstein - Think

You're Smart

We were talking around the dinner table about what it means to get a college degree. I said you pass a bunch of tests, and then they give you a piece of paper that says you're smart. I finished my explanation saying employers can rely on that piece of paper as evidence that you're smart. Anna, 11,...

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Madre Greater than Padre

Madre > Padre

A couple weeks ago, Amy diagnosed and changed out all three fuses that controlled electrical flow to the outlets in our car. Super sexy. Super cool. When I say that Amy did it, I don't mean that I was standing on the sidelines, guiding hands and helping words coaching her to a successful solution. I...

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Battle of the Sarcasticons

I’m raising a band of Little Sarcasticons. Defined term? Yes, yes it is. You can find it in the Kabala Book of Sarcasticisms. New chapters available daily. No longer must we be constrained in our sarcastic witticism production. Oh, no, folks. Netflix has joined the charge with their resurrection...

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Editor’s Note--TFF Issue #18

The entertainer waited patiently at the street corner. Regaled in his Darth Vader mask, he struck a menacing, if not eye-brow raising, figure. A black cape flowed behind him in the soft downtown breeze, also ruffling the hem of his kilt. ...

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The sun painted chalk on the asphalt

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #17

I find myself sitting at my kitchen table on the best day of the year, weather wise. I'm inside but close enough to the patio door to feel the sun's rays radiating through the glass. Their circle of influence grows strong today. ...

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2018 year goals list on napkin

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #16

2017 is coming to a close. ...

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christmas snowman decoration

Shiny

I imagine a big hamster wheel. I step onto the tread, move one foot in front of the other, feeling the sole of my shoe grip the inclined part of the curved wall, sunlight glinting off the shiny, metal-trimmed edge, and I press forward and down. ...

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bat isolated on white background

Mousebat

Mousebat opened its eyes, then quickly closed them when light struck the virgin lenses. The creature's eyes were so sensitive to the effects of light, it was only able to lift the lids a millimeter at a time, every few minutes, until hours later, its eyes finally adjusted enough to permit them...

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insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

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Little girl in her mother"s shoes

Spit-Shine Shennanigans

Amy went into our main-floor bathroom on Monday to find Ella standing in the middle of the floor, bent over her new ballet flats, rubbing away with her sock on the outer skin of the shoes. Tiny food chunks clung to the shoes, becoming tinier and tinier, messier and messier, with each swipe of the...

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Toilet Queuing

Sabotaging the Throne

My seven-year-old daughter, Anna, takes forever in the bathroom. It's her private time. I respect that. But with that respect comes a lack of knowledge about what's going on. Why in the world does it take 30 minutes to take a shower? You're friggin' tiny! I've thought about (jokingly. Well,...

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Cutie

Maiden Manipulation

An old furniture store in our city was recently converted into a bowling alley/arcade/restaurant/bar. The owner dubbed it "QC Family Entertainment." I suspect he or she has paid off members of the press assigned to report on bar-fights and instances of indecent exposure, and more than a few...

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Man jumps into a dangerous lake

Crimes of the Catty

Standing at the window outside Will and Anna's swimming class, I was privy to the criticisms of one of the instructors from a catty parent regarding said instructor's interaction with a small child who was visibly afraid to jump off the diving board. ...

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Jugend und Alkohol

10 Reasons My Kids Will Be Beer Drinkers

1. I will offer it when the time comes--and offer and offer until they take a swig, and then they'll be hooked. If that doesn't work, I will threaten to chaperone all their dates and wear daisy dooks in public and streak across the football field at homecoming (a high-school dream never realized)...

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Sad Child

Mimicry

Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...

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Clown

12 Days of--NO

I have learned to admit when I'm wrong, deciding it's better to look like a small fool than a blithering idiot. Word of a block-headed person travels faster than children run from unpaid chores. Best to take your licks and be able to enjoy the holiday party without parking your face in the Jack...

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Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

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The Missing Taffy Link

Three summers ago, I flew the family to the California bay area to visit my wife's extended family. The week-long trip culminated in a walk along the Santa Monica beach, building sand-castles while the Pacific lapped against our fragile creations....

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'Do I look fantastic?'

Back in the early nineties, a quip was popular that expressed sarcastic distaste for whatever had been perceived: "NOT!"...

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