Read the Fine Print Magnifying Glass Words

Valentine's Day TLC (terms of loving conditions)

Today, my wife of almost 12 years, Amy, will be schlepping the kids to the library, a destination sought only after hauling them to swimming lessons this morning at 9:15a, also a destination sought only after coaxing three children under age 10 out of bed and into a state of acceptable outdoor dress...

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Russian-Optimism-Front-Cover-low-res

Review: Russian Optimism

A blonde youth, maybe four or five-years-old, gazes up from the tableau, a smile on his face. He holds the end of a piece of copper wire. It trails behind him, coiling like a snake. In the background on a shelf, Russian dolls stand in left-to-right ascending height order. Above this, the object on...

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BOYCOTT

5 Super Bowl Alternatives

Following the Packers oh-no-you-dih-n't epic loss to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game, I, a jaded fan, in last week's column, raged against the improbability of it all. Throughout my business education and career, I've heard the principle of process consistency preached numerous times. ...

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Fail (неудача). Печать и оттиск

From Green to Blew It

Last Sunday, the Green Bay Packers, my team since the 80s (so, my whole life), lost in spectacular fashion to the Seattle Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game, blowing a lead in the final minutes, torching a lot of respect, shedding fair-weather fans, and even more fashion fans, but most...

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cartoon faces

5 Reasons Kids Suck

1. Gummy Vitamins ...

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One 3D lego yellow block

The LEGO Movie Way

In The LEGO Movie, during the scene where Emmet and his gang arrive at Cloud Cuckoo Land, Unikitty, with her effervescent (bordering on psychopathic bi-polar) personality describes the appearing-like-a-circus, multi-colored, multi-styled, multi-use-of-drugs-infused-into-plastic society as being...

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Toilet Queuing

Sabotaging the Throne

My seven-year-old daughter, Anna, takes forever in the bathroom. It's her private time. I respect that. But with that respect comes a lack of knowledge about what's going on. Why in the world does it take 30 minutes to take a shower? You're friggin' tiny! I've thought about (jokingly. Well,...

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Sicher ist sicher (mit Freistellungspfad)

Good Stuff (it's not beer)

Have you ever tried to break into Fort Knox? Neither have I, but I imagine the process would be similar in difficulty to gaining access to some of my wife's baked goods. ...

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double winner

Twofer

There were six minutes to go until midnight on Saturday. I had to be up at 3am for work. The choices were simple: go to bed or play with my wife.  (And I do mean play.) ...

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Evil face with red eyes

Besting the Beast

The cornered beast crouches in the darkness of the dungeon, shrinking from its attackers and would-be torturers, backing up slowly until it brushes against the slick, pungent walls, disease-ridden fungi dislodging from its perch and falling to the floor, some going airborne. But the beast isn't in...

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Driving for Summer Vacation

5 Reasons the Golfboard is Awesome

My brother Drew sent me a Facebook link to a new product called the Golfboard. It is a wheeled board on which the user/surfer stands while traversing the curves of a golf course, accomplishing the goal of the company's slogan: "Surf the Earth." The golf board won the PGA Merchandise Show's 2014 Best...

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Envelopes background

Going Postal

I never wanted to go to the post office. ...

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Shopping cart isolated

5 Reasons I Love Sam's Club

This past week, Sam's Club opened a store minutes from our house, so Amy and I took the kids there on Thursday. In conversation with someone today, the subject of Sam's deals came up. But when asked to recall the best ones I saw, except for the 80" TV--which, really?--I came up blank, for I must...

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Horrible maniac

The Chain Tensioner Principle

"You know, that little screw there will do the same thing you just did, with a lot less work," my protégé said. And with that, my world view regarding process efficiencies and chain saw pallet destruction metrics changed forever. ...

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Ghost Character

Attack of the Lawn Goblins

The Lord of the manor approaches the overgrown forest from a distance. He crouches, dons his seeing scope, and surveys the gnarled brambles. Plan formed, he goes to the armory, selects his best weapons, charges the forest, and applies cutting power to the unruly foliage, pushing, spinning, grinding...

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brutal man with vintage straight razor

5 Reasons Shaving Is Like Getting Shivved

I hope when you shave your beard you don't suffer from varying degrees of sensitivity between your face and neck, varying degrees of sensitivity being the feeling of rubbing your face against your woman's boobs and, in contrast, rubbing your face against Hurley's boobs (the guy from LOST). I hope my...

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street sign with a bottle and glass.

Whiskey Miles

Next weekend, we'll travel up to Sauk Rapids, MN with my mother and father-in-law. While they attend my father-in-law's 50th high-school reunion, we'll hang out with extended family, though I am considering crashing the reunion, closet black-market medical supplies peddler that I am. You should see...

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Thank You Greeting Card

'Just thanks'

"Thanks," Ella, my two-year-old daughter, said. ...

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Piano playing pianist concert. Classical music

Mid-Year Checkup with Rachmaninoff

Who says New Year's Resolutions are only for January? I say you should do a mid-year review to ensure you're on-track, and if you're off-track--to ensure you have enough time to pull back onto the road before you smash into a bridge abutment, splattering your brains (bridge abutment being failure,...

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iron plate with bullet hole

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #2

On April 28, 2014, I had the ride of my life. It wasn't in a Mustang Shelby GT 500 or an Aston Martin Vanquish, two vehicles I've often had intense fantasies about. Though I was in a dream-like state, it had nothing to do with a previously established and vetted fantasy, and had everything to do...

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