insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

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Sad Child


Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...

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Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

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Advertise Here

1. You can see many of the big blockbusters weeks, perhaps even months, after they hit first-run theaters, solidifying your status as fashionably late and appreciative of the finer, aged things in life–such as yourself. 2. It’s easier to sneak …...

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Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...

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A Reasonable Explanation

Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....

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That's a Mouthful

Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...

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Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right

I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...

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Deadly Donuts

The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...

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When Did I Become a Pushover?

I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...

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As I Approach 30

I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....

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Empty Theater Chairs

Filed Under , on January 20th, 2018

10 Reasons the Cheap Theater Rocks

By Seth Kabala

1. You can see many of the big blockbusters weeks, perhaps even months, after they hit first-run theaters, solidifying your status as fashionably late and appreciative of the finer, aged things in life–such as yourself.

2. It’s easier to sneak in contraband snacks. If you think staff at first-run theaters are apathetic toward movie goers, you’ve never taken a hard look at second-run staff. They look like they’ve given the zombie lifestyle serious consideration and have elected to write undead behavioral norms into all public relations activities.

No, Bill’s not lazy, hasn’t acquired a strain of the Bubonic Plague that failed to be eradicated. He’s just practicing his zombie shuffle, as company policy dictates.

3. You can take the whole family without having to meet beforehand with your financial advisor to ensure this purchase of tickets won’t materially affect your ability to retire.

Typical visit to see your financial advisor:

Seth, I’ve got to say–I’m concerned. *starts adding* This trip out to see the latest Marvel release on opening night? *keeps adding* Complete with a sensible dinner out beforehand *still adding* as well as purchasing snacks for each member of your family during the film? Well, I’ve done the calculations, and it’s not pretty. Prior to this night-out, I had you pegged to retire at the reasonable age of 62–well ahead of most of your peers. Now, though *shakes head*, we’re looking at 792, as in Biblical length of life. Better get on the line to your Biblical namesake and ask him how them multi-centenarians did it.

4. It’s dark as shit. I mean coal mine dark, dumps after eating a 64oz steak and three pints of stout dark, hearts of the Westboro Baptist Church dark. If you’re looking for a place to keep the kids entertained whilst you take a nap, this be the place.

5. You can sit wherever you want, even if you get there 30 seconds ahead of the feature. No one goes to these theaters. They’re like the wealthy magazine writer from so many movies–completely unrealistic and defying all sense of business logic, yet there it is.

6. The bathrooms are super clean. Despite their affinity for brains, zombies are sticklers for hygiene.

7. You get one (maybe two) choices of fliks, eliminating the need to build in selection time pre-show. This is important, as you want to avoid giving zombies more than a moment to analyze your cranium.

8. Local business ads often contain hilarious misspellings, e.g., make sure you check out the chiropractic services from a certain business on STARTK STREET, as opposed to “Stark.” The business owner probably wants to avoid crossing the creator of Game of Thrones, his legal staff, as well as the Stark family itself. Although it’s written as fiction, you never know when a White Walker is going to come out of the mist and totally ruin your plan to lower your stress level in 2018. Best not to take any chances, especially when it comes to entertainment. Spellcheck be damned!

9. The slope from the front of the theater to the exit is like the drop-in to the half-pipe on the vert event at the X Games–always impressive when someone navigates it with ease, but you know if you wait long enough, someone’s going to eat it. We’re all fans of schadenfreude here, right?

10. I know odds are these movies will make the streaming services in a few weeks, but our kids love getting out of the house. Love to go to shows with us–movies, live performances, etc. As long as it means my kids want to spend their free time with me, I’ll brave all the zombies the second-run can slowly (so slowly) throw at me.


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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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