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Arby’s has blown it. No, I don’t mean a couple with an unnatural Arby’s fetish named their daughter “Arbys,” said daughter subsequently adopted her parent’s unnatural fetish for the is-that-really-beef? thin-sliced who-cares-it-tastes-good food, and got a job at Arby’s and …...

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Filed Under on January 2nd, 2012

Secret Sauce Screwup

By Seth Kabala

Arby’s has blown it.

No, I don’t mean a couple with an unnatural Arby’s fetish named their daughter “Arbys,” said daughter subsequently adopted her parent’s unnatural fetish for the is-that-really-beef? thin-sliced who-cares-it-tastes-good food, and got a job at Arby’s and was caught in a compromising situation with a male co-worker.

What Arby’s has done is shed light on the core monetizing strategy that has supported the company’s finances for years, the bread and butter, or oil and substitute nutritional something or other, that has staved off creditors from annihilating the company’s balance sheet.

They’ve given away the ingredient to their secret sauce. Not the Arby’s Sauce, mind you; The truly secret sauce: the ketchup.

As my wife Amy and I walked into the Arby’s located off of Highway 20 in Grundy County, IA, I rested my eyes on the menu, ignored my body’s warning signals (premature building of gas bubbles), and proceeded to order the biggest Beef and Cheddar available.

Then Amy pulled me close and said, “Look over there,” and she gestured toward the sauce station.

I looked and saw signs for “Arby’s Sauce” and “Horsey Sauce,” and then my jaw hit the still-wet, almost-killed-me-on-the-way-in floor.

I now had in my possession the key to building a fast-food empire, a behemoth, unassailable by all foes past or present.

Are you ready? Arby’s makes their ketchup with … TOMATOES!

That’s what it said: “Tomato Ketchup.” I freakin’ kid you not.

“Did you know that?” Amy asked.

“No,” I said, “but now that we have their secret, we’re going to change the world.”

(Disclaimer: this post was written by an Arby’s lover caught in the throes of “hunger-haze” and also afflicted with a chronic sarcasm bug. No disrespect to the wonderful grease produced by Arby’s was intended. Gift-certificates honoring said self-proclaimed Arby’s lover may be sent to the email address in the side-bar of this blog.)

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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