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Filed Under on July 21st, 2012

The Missing Taffy Link

By Seth Kabala

Three summers ago, I flew the family to the California bay area to visit my wife’s extended family. The week-long trip culminated in a walk along the Santa Monica beach, building sand-castles while the Pacific lapped against our fragile creations.

I didn’t stick my face in the water, but I’ve heard from several sources that the Pacific is a salt-water body. Having close ties with the Snails Defense Council, they have warned me of several losses to their brotherhood after encounters with the briney deep. The carnage is horrific, and I take their word for it.

Granted, much of this communication came from the snail-to-human translation system that was years in development. Possibly I’m mistaking their communiques as warnings of the dangers of salt-water, when they’re really saying I make good shit cleaner-upper in fish tank. Jå. Jå.

Apparently my snail companions are also of German descent. Nevertheless, I choose to believe in the salt-content of the Pacific.

The Pacific has a counterpart: the Atlantic, also known as that great pond over which one must hop to pass the atmospheric threshhold that guarantees bad teeth, has an obscure quality, which I am about to reveal.

My oldest daughter, Anna, 4, loves sweets. Recently, her sweetdar (see what I did there?) homed in on salt-water taffy, and being unfamiliar with this confection’s origin, she said, “Can we get those candy pond things?”

It took some questioning, but we learned she meant salt-water taffy, which got me thinking: The British traditionally have bad teeth. You have to cross the pond to get to Great Britain. Sooo …

How did all the Brits get to where they are? Dunno, but I assume some of them had to come out of the water (you know, since evolution makes, like, total logical sense), and if the ocean can be deemed a pond, and if said pond produces “pond things,” aka salt-water taffy, it stands to reason that that’s the main cause of poor British dental health. More importantly, though, it means the Atlantic is teeming with sweets.

How has everyone besides Brits failed to take advantage of this?

Time for a trip back East.

Pack your toothbrush.

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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