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Filed Under , on April 13th, 2019

Dr. Dove Bee Gee Cage

By Seth Kabala

My house may be haunted.

I was washing my face earlier this week. All of a sudden, I started stumbling backward like I was drunk. Then I was getting a piece of gum out of our kitchen cabinet. The piece split in half and flew out the wrapper in two different directions, skittering to a stop on opposite ends of the counter.

Then I was trying to hang up my sweatshirt in my closet, and the hanger hook caught on the edge of a mini-legal pad I had placed on the shelf above the hangers. The legal pad flipped up and spun toward me like a paper lawnmower blade with big aspirations. I had to take a step back to avoid it slicing my face.

Drunk, halitosis, writing pad—if it’s not haunted, my house is telling me I should be a best-selling novelist. When faced with the choice between declaring your house haunted or becoming a booze-guzzling keyboard jockey with low self-esteem but a bank account teeming with dollars trying to get out of each other’s way because of overpopulation, what’s the right choice?

Therapy, of course.

* * *

Seth: Doc, I think my house is trying to tell me something.

Doctor Haunted Versus Booze-Guzzling Keyboard Jockey: What is that?

Seth: Doc– Can I call you Doc? Is that too formal?

DHVBGKJ: Call me duv-beej-eh-cage. We should spend less time worrying about what you call me and more time on this decision you need to make.

Seth: Did you just say your name represents a cage, staffed with dove sentries (like birds, right?), whose sole goal in life is to imprison members of the incredibly awesome 70s disco band The Bee Gees?

Dove Bee Gee Cage: I think you’re missing the point.

Seth: I think I’ve homed in on the exact point. Your name is the key.

Dove Bee Gee Cage: I don’t follow.

Seth: It’s simple. It’s like this: I’ve always wondered, based on recent events–

Dove Bee Gee Cage: How can you “always” have wondered something based on “recent” events? That’s logically unsound thinking.

Seth: It’s also logically unsound thinking to interrupt your patient when your patient is struggling with a decision on whether to embrace the haunted nature of his house and charge admission or something, or to become an internationally best-selling author with full-blown alcoholism. Don’t you see the danger in interrupting someone who is, at their core, pathologically unstable?

Dove Bee Gee Cage: You’re saying you’re pathologically unstable?

Seth: I’m saying if someone were pathologically unstable, it would be unwise to interrupt them.

Dove Bee Gee Cage: You said “when your patient is struggling” with the exact decision you yourself are struggling with. You’re talking about you.

Seth: Appears I’ve touched a nerve. How does that make you feel, Doc?

Dove Bee Gee Cage: I ask the questions around here.

Seth: Really? That sounded like a statement. Didn’t it? It did, right? Oh, that was three questions in one section of dialogue. Way ahead of you, Doc.

Dove Bee Gee Cage: We’re getting off track. What were you saying before I interrupted you?

Seth: I’ve wondered if my house is haunted and all the implications that go along with that. I’ve also wondered if I should seriously ramp up my drinking, to give me the best shot at becoming a best-selling author. Your name totally answers the question!

Dove Bee Gee Cage: Enlighten me.

Seth: The doves. They represent purity. The cage and the Bee Gees? Awesomeness caged. Given enough time together, the purity will overcome the incarceration of the awesomeness by, I don’t know, shitting acid-laced dove shit on the lock of the cage or something, and that acid-laced shit will eat through the lock and release the awesomeness, the Bee Gees, or, in my case, my inner desire to be a best-selling novelist. Boom. There’s your answer.

Dove Bee Gee Cage: (silence)

Seth: Doc?

Dove Bee Gee Cage: What of the haunted house?

Seth: Doc, are you okay? There’s no such thing.

Dove Bee Gee Cage: Circling back to pathological instability.

* * *

Choices. Nothing a little wordplay and free form idea association can’t solve.

And booze.

Don’t forget the booze.


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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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