Smoking Charges Ignite
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Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise
When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...
My house may be haunted. I was washing my face earlier this week. All of a sudden, I started stumbling backward like I was drunk. Then I was getting a piece of gum out of our kitchen cabinet. The piece …...
Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...
A Reasonable Explanation
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That's a Mouthful
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Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right
I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...
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When Did I Become a Pushover?
I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...
As I Approach 30
I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....
Dr. Dove Bee Gee Cage
By Seth Kabala
My house may be haunted.
I was washing my face earlier this week. All of a sudden, I started stumbling backward like I was drunk. Then I was getting a piece of gum out of our kitchen cabinet. The piece split in half and flew out the wrapper in two different directions, skittering to a stop on opposite ends of the counter.
Then I was trying to hang up my sweatshirt in my closet, and the hanger hook caught on the edge of a mini-legal pad I had placed on the shelf above the hangers. The legal pad flipped up and spun toward me like a paper lawnmower blade with big aspirations. I had to take a step back to avoid it slicing my face.
Drunk, halitosis, writing pad—if it’s not haunted, my house is telling me I should be a best-selling novelist. When faced with the choice between declaring your house haunted or becoming a booze-guzzling keyboard jockey with low self-esteem but a bank account teeming with dollars trying to get out of each other’s way because of overpopulation, what’s the right choice?
Therapy, of course.
* * *
Seth: Doc, I think my house is trying to tell me something.
Doctor Haunted Versus Booze-Guzzling Keyboard Jockey: What is that?
Seth: Doc– Can I call you Doc? Is that too formal?
DHVBGKJ: Call me duv-beej-eh-cage. We should spend less time worrying about what you call me and more time on this decision you need to make.
Seth: Did you just say your name represents a cage, staffed with dove sentries (like birds, right?), whose sole goal in life is to imprison members of the incredibly awesome 70s disco band The Bee Gees?
Dove Bee Gee Cage: I think you’re missing the point.
Seth: I think I’ve homed in on the exact point. Your name is the key.
Dove Bee Gee Cage: I don’t follow.
Seth: It’s simple. It’s like this: I’ve always wondered, based on recent events–
Dove Bee Gee Cage: How can you “always” have wondered something based on “recent” events? That’s logically unsound thinking.
Seth: It’s also logically unsound thinking to interrupt your patient when your patient is struggling with a decision on whether to embrace the haunted nature of his house and charge admission or something, or to become an internationally best-selling author with full-blown alcoholism. Don’t you see the danger in interrupting someone who is, at their core, pathologically unstable?
Dove Bee Gee Cage: You’re saying you’re pathologically unstable?
Seth: I’m saying if someone were pathologically unstable, it would be unwise to interrupt them.
Dove Bee Gee Cage: You said “when your patient is struggling” with the exact decision you yourself are struggling with. You’re talking about you.
Seth: Appears I’ve touched a nerve. How does that make you feel, Doc?
Dove Bee Gee Cage: I ask the questions around here.
Seth: Really? That sounded like a statement. Didn’t it? It did, right? Oh, that was three questions in one section of dialogue. Way ahead of you, Doc.
Dove Bee Gee Cage: We’re getting off track. What were you saying before I interrupted you?
Seth: I’ve wondered if my house is haunted and all the implications that go along with that. I’ve also wondered if I should seriously ramp up my drinking, to give me the best shot at becoming a best-selling author. Your name totally answers the question!
Dove Bee Gee Cage: Enlighten me.
Seth: The doves. They represent purity. The cage and the Bee Gees? Awesomeness caged. Given enough time together, the purity will overcome the incarceration of the awesomeness by, I don’t know, shitting acid-laced dove shit on the lock of the cage or something, and that acid-laced shit will eat through the lock and release the awesomeness, the Bee Gees, or, in my case, my inner desire to be a best-selling novelist. Boom. There’s your answer.
Dove Bee Gee Cage: (silence)
Dove Bee Gee Cage: What of the haunted house?
Seth: Doc, are you okay? There’s no such thing.
Dove Bee Gee Cage: Circling back to pathological instability.
* * *
Choices. Nothing a little wordplay and free form idea association can’t solve.
Don’t forget the booze.
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Tags: 70s, acid-laced dove shit, band, best-selling novelist, booze, booze-guzzling, cage, dialogue, disco, doves, Dr. Dove Bee Gee Cage, drunk, free form, gum, halitosis, hanger, haunted house, idea association, interrupted, keyboard jockey, kitchen, lawnmower blade, lock, logically unsound, pathologically unstable, patient, purity, release, sentries, TFF Issue 22, The Bee Gees, therapy, word play
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