Smoking Charges Ignite
Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...
Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...
Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise
When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...
My father is a brilliant trouble-shooter, photographer, and songwriter; my mother, a wonderful guitarist and vocalist. Plus she has mad debating skills. Life, however, seeks out balance, and brilliance/wonderfulness fails to exist everywhere. Yesterday, my parents called my wife and …...
Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...
A Reasonable Explanation
Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....
That's a Mouthful
Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...
Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right
I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...
The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...
When Did I Become a Pushover?
I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...
As I Approach 30
I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....
By Seth Kabala
My father is a brilliant trouble-shooter, photographer, and songwriter; my mother, a wonderful guitarist and vocalist. Plus she has mad debating skills. Life, however, seeks out balance, and brilliance/wonderfulness fails to exist everywhere.
Yesterday, my parents called my wife and asked if they could FaceTime with the kids. Sounds like a reasonable request, even magnanimous and gracious, I dare say. Better than following each other around the house screaming like a couple characters on Rosanne, building a ruckus until the police were called (guess the fiction).
What started out as impressive and (boring baby has a moment of cuteness–read: farts–voice) awwww inspiring devolved into this conversation, as told by Amy:
“Mom asked if I had an iPhone and if I had FaceTime. I said, ‘Yes, I do.’ Then she asked if I had an iPad, and I said I didn’t, but I could FaceTime on the iPhone. Then she told your dad: ‘She can FaceTime.’ He said, ‘Does she have an iPhone?’ So Mom asked me, ‘Do you have an iPhone?’
Amy: Yes, that’s what I’m talking on. It’s my only phone.
Mom to Dad: Yes, she has an iPhone. It’s her only phone. She’s on it.
Dad: Can she FaceTime on it?
Mom to Amy: Can you FaceTime on it?
Amy: Yep, I can FaceTime on it.
Mom: Do the kids have FaceTime on their iPods?
Amy: Yeah, I’m pretty sure they do. But they don’t have their iPods with them. We’re not at home.
Mom to Dad: They can FaceTime on their iPods.
Dad to Mom: Do they have special numbers to do that with?
Mom to Amy: Do they have special numbers to do that with?
Mom was relaying everything Dad was saying, failing to realize that Dad was sitting right next to Mom, so Amy could hear him fine. Granted, he was talking like a revival preacher trying his best to convince the populace to Repent! Repent! And don’t forget there is an inverse relationship between the level of purchasing power in your wallet and the power of the spirit.
Amy: They do have special numbers, but it doesn’t really matter because we don’t have the iPods with us. You can just call me on my phone.
Mom to Amy: Are the kids busy?
Amy: No, they’re just playing right now.
Mom: So we can FaceTime on your phone?
Amy: Yeah, you can. You can just do it with me on my iPhone, the one I’m talking on right now.
Amy claims she’s a sweet little thing, but I’m certain she was thinking, Are you frickin’ kidding me right now?! I’ll just go out and buy some string, tie off one end at our house, run it all the way out to you–they live an hour away–and then maybe you’ll be able to understand me long enough to say, ‘Here come the white coats. Uh, buh-bye.’
Dad: I don’t have her number.
Mom: We need your number.
Amy : (Gives them number. Ludicrous since they were already talking to her.)
Mom: Dad’s trying to figure out how to FaceTime you.
Dad: (Calls Amy’s phone from his MacBook while Mom is still on the line with Amy.) Ok, I’m trying to FaceTime her.
Mom to Dad: Is it working?
Amy: Yeah, it’s working. He’s calling on the other line. We need to hang up now so we can do FaceTime on my phone.
Mom to Kids: Grandpa’s sitting here yelling at the computer.
Hey, failure’s a good thing, right? So long as you have plenty of time to correct your mistakes.
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Tags: Amy, balance, FaceTime, failure, father, frickin' kidding me, grandma, grandpa, guitarist, humor, humor writing, iPad, iPhone, iPod, kids, MacBook, mother, Rosanne, Seth, string, TFF Issue #1, trouble-shooter, wonderfulness
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