Smoking Charges Ignite
Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...
Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...
Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise
When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...
My father is a brilliant trouble-shooter, photographer, and songwriter; my mother, a wonderful guitarist and vocalist. Plus she has mad debating skills. Life, however, seeks out balance, and brilliance/wonderfulness fails to exist everywhere. Yesterday, my parents called my wife and …...
Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...
A Reasonable Explanation
Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....
That's a Mouthful
Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...
Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right
I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...
The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...
When Did I Become a Pushover?
I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...
As I Approach 30
I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....
By Seth Kabala
My father is a brilliant trouble-shooter, photographer, and songwriter; my mother, a wonderful guitarist and vocalist. Plus she has mad debating skills. Life, however, seeks out balance, and brilliance/wonderfulness fails to exist everywhere.
Yesterday, my parents called my wife and asked if they could FaceTime with the kids. Sounds like a reasonable request, even magnanimous and gracious, I dare say. Better than following each other around the house screaming like a couple characters on Rosanne, building a ruckus until the police were called (guess the fiction).
What started out as impressive and (boring baby has a moment of cuteness–read: farts–voice) awwww inspiring devolved into this conversation, as told by Amy:
“Mom asked if I had an iPhone and if I had FaceTime. I said, ‘Yes, I do.’ Then she asked if I had an iPad, and I said I didn’t, but I could FaceTime on the iPhone. Then she told your dad: ‘She can FaceTime.’ He said, ‘Does she have an iPhone?’ So Mom asked me, ‘Do you have an iPhone?’
Amy: Yes, that’s what I’m talking on. It’s my only phone.
Mom to Dad: Yes, she has an iPhone. It’s her only phone. She’s on it.
Dad: Can she FaceTime on it?
Mom to Amy: Can you FaceTime on it?
Amy: Yep, I can FaceTime on it.
Mom: Do the kids have FaceTime on their iPods?
Amy: Yeah, I’m pretty sure they do. But they don’t have their iPods with them. We’re not at home.
Mom to Dad: They can FaceTime on their iPods.
Dad to Mom: Do they have special numbers to do that with?
Mom to Amy: Do they have special numbers to do that with?
Mom was relaying everything Dad was saying, failing to realize that Dad was sitting right next to Mom, so Amy could hear him fine. Granted, he was talking like a revival preacher trying his best to convince the populace to Repent! Repent! And don’t forget there is an inverse relationship between the level of purchasing power in your wallet and the power of the spirit.
Amy: They do have special numbers, but it doesn’t really matter because we don’t have the iPods with us. You can just call me on my phone.
Mom to Amy: Are the kids busy?
Amy: No, they’re just playing right now.
Mom: So we can FaceTime on your phone?
Amy: Yeah, you can. You can just do it with me on my iPhone, the one I’m talking on right now.
Amy claims she’s a sweet little thing, but I’m certain she was thinking, Are you frickin’ kidding me right now?! I’ll just go out and buy some string, tie off one end at our house, run it all the way out to you–they live an hour away–and then maybe you’ll be able to understand me long enough to say, ‘Here come the white coats. Uh, buh-bye.’
Dad: I don’t have her number.
Mom: We need your number.
Amy : (Gives them number. Ludicrous since they were already talking to her.)
Mom: Dad’s trying to figure out how to FaceTime you.
Dad: (Calls Amy’s phone from his MacBook while Mom is still on the line with Amy.) Ok, I’m trying to FaceTime her.
Mom to Dad: Is it working?
Amy: Yeah, it’s working. He’s calling on the other line. We need to hang up now so we can do FaceTime on my phone.
Mom to Kids: Grandpa’s sitting here yelling at the computer.
Hey, failure’s a good thing, right? So long as you have plenty of time to correct your mistakes.
Leave a Reply
Tags: Amy, balance, FaceTime, failure, father, frickin' kidding me, grandma, grandpa, guitarist, humor, humor writing, iPad, iPhone, iPod, kids, MacBook, mother, Rosanne, Seth, string, TFF Issue #1, trouble-shooter, wonderfulness
0 Comments Load Comments
I sweat at night when we're sitting on the couch. It's like I'm afraid that at any minute, some black-ops interrogator is going to burst through the door and start waterboarding me. Black Ops Dude: "We know you broke those candy bars in half while they were still in the wrappers when you were six,...
Editor's Note--TFF Issue 22
I'm convinced that budget cuts are the reason for the delays between fireworks during the Fourth of July show. Likely conversation if I were industrious enough to plant bugs: "Hey, if we only light one every 30 seconds to a minute, they won't notice. They'll have a chance to discuss the color...
Little Meth Lab on the Back 40
I told a colleague that you could buy 12 acres in rural Iowa, plus a private lake, forest, and a decent house for $325K. He mentioned something about using all the extra savings to catch the backwoods economic wave in Iowa and start up a meth lab operation. This colleague has lived his whole life in...
Amy and I have been looking at properties with land, something on the order of 1-5 acres. One of these properties had several out-buildings (or outhouses, as Amy continues to misidentify them. Never at a loss for where to drop your drawers on our property!). These out-buildings weren't run-down,...
Toki has been our cat since 2012. He's a ragdoll breed, which means he's docile to the extreme. You know when cowboys ride bulls in the rodeo? Our kids used to treat Toki as their bull, and he dutifully complied, although in recent years, I've spotted him crawling toward the edge of the ring, if we...
Shortly after moving to Portland, I asked our office administrative specialist to order me a footrest. I asked for the footrest for a practical reason: lower back pressure relief. I have a stand-up desk. This works well to get my stand hours in during the day--Apple faithful, you know what I'm...
Let there Be Devices
We have over a dozen devices now, and the number is only going to grow from here. ...
Phil wasn't sure what caused his muscles to dehydrate and shrivel up into jerky encased in skin, but he understood the aftermath. His career was over. ...
We were talking around the dinner table about what it means to get a college degree. I said you pass a bunch of tests, and then they give you a piece of paper that says you're smart. I finished my explanation saying employers can rely on that piece of paper as evidence that you're smart. Anna, 11,...
Madre > Padre
A couple weeks ago, Amy diagnosed and changed out all three fuses that controlled electrical flow to the outlets in our car. Super sexy. Super cool. When I say that Amy did it, I don't mean that I was standing on the sidelines, guiding hands and helping words coaching her to a successful solution. I...
An Interview with Ben Rosenfeld (feature)
Acceptance and Current Events ...
Bolt-Action Cannonball Sack
"Can you do the bolt-action cannonball sack?" Ella asked me today during bedtime. She was trying to remember the name of the move I do when I toss her over my shoulder and then flip her onto the bed. (I call it the fireman’s carry/toss.) Earlier, she was playing Fortnite with Will and must have...