insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

[ Swap Article ]

Sad Child


Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

[ Swap Article ]


Advertise Here

“And that servant, which knew his lord’s will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he that knew not, and did not commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten …...

[ Swap Article ]


Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...

[ Swap Article ]

A Reasonable Explanation

Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....

[ Swap Article ]

That's a Mouthful

Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...

[ Swap Article ]

Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right

I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Deadly Donuts

The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...

[ Swap Article ]

When Did I Become a Pushover?

I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...

[ Swap Article ]

As I Approach 30

I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....

[ Swap Article ]


Filed Under on March 18th, 2011

Family Maxims #14

By Seth Kabala

“And that servant, which knew his lord’s will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he that knew not, and did not commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.” (Luke 12:27-28, KJV)

If nobody else is gonna say it, I will. The Bible is incredibly sexist. The pronouns are mostly written in the masculine form, ticking off feminists everywhere to the delight of this writer and my fellow conservative allies (interlude for leftist hate speech when this is published in audiobook format).

There. Now that I’ve pissed some people off as well as satisfied my journalistic equal-time requirements, we can move on.

If you look past the surface–something that’s good to do in most circumstances, except perhaps when picking up a hooker (do you really want to know if she’s really a she? Best to avoid finding out by either turning your head or never picking up said hooker). I’d vote for option number two–the Bible is just common sense.

Ever been to the YMCA? They post their rules of conduct all over the place and say that they expect facility users to abide by, wait for it, Judeo-Christian Principles.

Nobody’s standing outside the lockerooms with a Bible, threatening to rescind privileges unless you convert. Judeo-Christian Principles are what I think most people would agree (save for sickos and wackos, excluding Dexter) are rules for being a good person.

Consider the following from

Though there are many aspects to the Judeo-Christian ethic, some of the more common ones are the sanctity of human life, personal responsibility, a high regard for marriage, and compassion for others. Much of what is best in Western civilization can be directly attributed to the Judeo-Christian ethic. Historian Thomas Cahill, in pointing out the common themes of Christianity and Judaism, said, ?The heart of the Torah is not obedience to regulations about such things as diet?what one may eat, whom one may eat with, how one must prepare oneself beforehand?but to tzedakka, justice like God’s Justice, justice toward the downtrodden.? The foundations of the Judeo-Christian ethic can be summarized in the ?Golden Rule? which Jesus taught His disciples in Matthew 7:12, ?So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.?

No technicolor cool-aid here. No going into convulsions or foaming at the mouth or charming snakes while somehow managing to retain the ability to write a check. Just good rules for being a good person. Take out behavioral idiosyncrasies of religion (otherwise known as stuff Borat would be embarrassed to do in public) and you’re left with a lot of the same stuff.

Having proved that case, it’s appropriate for me to say that most people, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof, would ascribe to this next family maxim:

We shall condemn to hell anyone that pawns off custody of their children so they can pursue their dreams unencumbered by the constraints of parenting, and claims their kids are better off for it.

If you’ve been on Yahoo recently, you’ve heard of Rahna Reiko Rizzuto, author of Hiroshima in the Morning, essentially a memoir about her decision, spurred by moving to Japan to do book research, to divorce her husband and give him primary custody of her two young sons, focusing more on herself and her preferred role as part-time mother, otherwise known as “Oh, shit. I wanted to get fucked, and now I’m fucked because of these fucking kids. Fuck me. Wait a minute. The law’s on my side, so fuck them. Ha, ha, ha.”

I’m not subject to censorship, so I’ll call her what she is: Selfish Bitchorama.

Selfish Bitchorama describes her story this way in an interview with the Today Show:

“I realized that I had lost myself a little bit, and I wanted to give myself more priority,” she said. “I didn’t want to be a mother, and that was because I had this idea that motherhood was this all-encompassing thing and I was afraid of being swallowed up by that.” So she gave up primary legal custody of her children, defending her decision as follows: “I would say to [those critics]…that my children are fine [not really your decision to make, Selfish Bitchorama, my bracket], they’re not traumatized. And I think they have a great life. They have everything they need…The trick is that it’s not coming from the [person] that people think it should be coming from. Their father is doing what I would call the heavy lifting…I’m able to provide them something different.”

I don’t know if redemption is available for someone who willingly chooses to abandon their children in pursuit of their own aspirations. It sickens me that the law allowed Selfish Bitchorama to consign responsibility for what happened after she spread her legs and got what she wanted to someone else with no repercussions.

Avenged Sevenfold has a song called “Nightmare.” It talks about what happens “down below” in the “Devil’s show” to someone who takes their life for granted and chooses evil over good.

1,000 worthless Whose Line points if you can guess which words I added. The chorus goes: “You should have known the price of evil. And it hurts to know that you belong here, yeah. No one to call. Everybody to fear. Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah. Oooh, it’s Selfish Bitchorama’s fuckin’ nightmare.”

But I’m human. My opinion of what should happen to Selfish Bitchorama is based in my imperfect human mind. Am I wrong? I——(musical hold mark)——-don’t think so, but only God knows the answer. That’s why He’s God and I’m not.

But some days I long for Bruce Almighty.


Leave a Reply

Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

0 Comments Load Comments

Open and closed recycle brown carton delivery packaging box.

The Unboxing

Shortly after moving to Portland, I asked our office administrative specialist to order me a footrest. I asked for the footrest for a practical reason: lower back pressure relief. I have a stand-up desk. This works well to get my stand hours in during the day--Apple faithful, you know what I'm...

[ Swap Article ]

God character working on telemarketing vector illustration. Telemarketing, sales, business, marketing design concept

Let there Be Devices

We have over a dozen devices now, and the number is only going to grow from here. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Money eye bottle soda water isolated on mascot

Hydrating Water

Phil wasn't sure what caused his muscles to dehydrate and shrivel up into jerky encased in skin, but he understood the aftermath. His career was over. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Einstein - Think

You're Smart

We were talking around the dinner table about what it means to get a college degree. I said you pass a bunch of tests, and then they give you a piece of paper that says you're smart. I finished my explanation saying employers can rely on that piece of paper as evidence that you're smart. Anna, 11,...

[ Swap Article ]

Madre Greater than Padre

Madre > Padre

A couple weeks ago, Amy diagnosed and changed out all three fuses that controlled electrical flow to the outlets in our car. Super sexy. Super cool. When I say that Amy did it, I don't mean that I was standing on the sidelines, guiding hands and helping words coaching her to a successful solution. I...

[ Swap Article ]

Ben Comedy Main Headshot 2019 Lego Tshirt Hi Res_May 2019 Profile Piece

An Interview with Ben Rosenfeld (feature)

Acceptance and Current Events ...

[ Swap Article ]

Cartoon stick figure drawing conceptual illustration of angry man or businessman targeting with antique cannon ready to fire.

Bolt-Action Cannonball Sack

"Can you do the bolt-action cannonball sack?" Ella asked me today during bedtime. She was trying to remember the name of the move I do when I toss her over my shoulder and then flip her onto the bed. (I call it the fireman’s carry/toss.) Earlier, she was playing Fortnite with Will and must have...

[ Swap Article ]


Time Traveling Titan

At Toastmasters last week, the theme was National Velociraptor Awareness Day (a real thing). During Table Topics, one of the questions was this: describe your experience finding the first velociraptor claw. Tonight, the whole family is going to watch Avengers: Endgame. In the spirit of honoring the...

[ Swap Article ]

Grunge green accepted word round rubber seal stamp on white background

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #21

On Easter Sunday afternoon, we took our kids to a trampoline/obstacle course park, but not just any ordinary park. This wasn't a collection of four-feet-across questionable exercise equipment in the trailer park's social activities room. (If we cobble together a bunch of small trampolines, we could...

[ Swap Article ]

Mad scientist holding up a test tube

Ammo Arms (part one)


[ Swap Article ]

Set, collection of colorful socks icons with different ornaments isolated on white background.

Waiting for Sock

Think about stuff you need to get you through your day. Does coffee come to mind? Of course it does. For millions of Americans and billions of people around the world, coffee, in its various forms, is a daily ritual. Not just a daily ritual--an hourly fix, as in you need to grab more black sludge...

[ Swap Article ]


Shuffler's Luck

I never knew a card game could change my life. I'm not talking about a high-stakes poker game, where international gangsters vie for dominance in a world of chance, and if chance doesn't go their way, bullets will do as a nice substitute. I'm talking about a simple card game with suggestions for the...

[ Swap Article ]