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Filed Under on March 18th, 2011

Family Maxims #14

By Seth Kabala

“And that servant, which knew his lord’s will, and prepared not himself, neither did according to his will, shall be beaten with many stripes. But he that knew not, and did not commit things worthy of stripes, shall be beaten with few stripes. For unto whomsoever much is given, of him shall be much required: and to whom men have committed much, of him they will ask the more.” (Luke 12:27-28, KJV)

If nobody else is gonna say it, I will. The Bible is incredibly sexist. The pronouns are mostly written in the masculine form, ticking off feminists everywhere to the delight of this writer and my fellow conservative allies (interlude for leftist hate speech when this is published in audiobook format).

There. Now that I’ve pissed some people off as well as satisfied my journalistic equal-time requirements, we can move on.

If you look past the surface–something that’s good to do in most circumstances, except perhaps when picking up a hooker (do you really want to know if she’s really a she? Best to avoid finding out by either turning your head or never picking up said hooker). I’d vote for option number two–the Bible is just common sense.

Ever been to the YMCA? They post their rules of conduct all over the place and say that they expect facility users to abide by, wait for it, Judeo-Christian Principles.

Nobody’s standing outside the lockerooms with a Bible, threatening to rescind privileges unless you convert. Judeo-Christian Principles are what I think most people would agree (save for sickos and wackos, excluding Dexter) are rules for being a good person.

Consider the following from http://www.gotquestions.org/Judeo-Christian-ethic.html:

Though there are many aspects to the Judeo-Christian ethic, some of the more common ones are the sanctity of human life, personal responsibility, a high regard for marriage, and compassion for others. Much of what is best in Western civilization can be directly attributed to the Judeo-Christian ethic. Historian Thomas Cahill, in pointing out the common themes of Christianity and Judaism, said, ?The heart of the Torah is not obedience to regulations about such things as diet?what one may eat, whom one may eat with, how one must prepare oneself beforehand?but to tzedakka, justice like God’s Justice, justice toward the downtrodden.? The foundations of the Judeo-Christian ethic can be summarized in the ?Golden Rule? which Jesus taught His disciples in Matthew 7:12, ?So in everything, do to others what you would have them do to you, for this sums up the Law and the Prophets.?

No technicolor cool-aid here. No going into convulsions or foaming at the mouth or charming snakes while somehow managing to retain the ability to write a check. Just good rules for being a good person. Take out behavioral idiosyncrasies of religion (otherwise known as stuff Borat would be embarrassed to do in public) and you’re left with a lot of the same stuff.

Having proved that case, it’s appropriate for me to say that most people, regardless of religious affiliation or lack thereof, would ascribe to this next family maxim:

We shall condemn to hell anyone that pawns off custody of their children so they can pursue their dreams unencumbered by the constraints of parenting, and claims their kids are better off for it.

If you’ve been on Yahoo recently, you’ve heard of Rahna Reiko Rizzuto, author of Hiroshima in the Morning, essentially a memoir about her decision, spurred by moving to Japan to do book research, to divorce her husband and give him primary custody of her two young sons, focusing more on herself and her preferred role as part-time mother, otherwise known as “Oh, shit. I wanted to get fucked, and now I’m fucked because of these fucking kids. Fuck me. Wait a minute. The law’s on my side, so fuck them. Ha, ha, ha.”

I’m not subject to censorship, so I’ll call her what she is: Selfish Bitchorama.

Selfish Bitchorama describes her story this way in an interview with the Today Show:

“I realized that I had lost myself a little bit, and I wanted to give myself more priority,” she said. “I didn’t want to be a mother, and that was because I had this idea that motherhood was this all-encompassing thing and I was afraid of being swallowed up by that.” So she gave up primary legal custody of her children, defending her decision as follows: “I would say to [those critics]…that my children are fine [not really your decision to make, Selfish Bitchorama, my bracket], they’re not traumatized. And I think they have a great life. They have everything they need…The trick is that it’s not coming from the [person] that people think it should be coming from. Their father is doing what I would call the heavy lifting…I’m able to provide them something different.”

I don’t know if redemption is available for someone who willingly chooses to abandon their children in pursuit of their own aspirations. It sickens me that the law allowed Selfish Bitchorama to consign responsibility for what happened after she spread her legs and got what she wanted to someone else with no repercussions.

Avenged Sevenfold has a song called “Nightmare.” It talks about what happens “down below” in the “Devil’s show” to someone who takes their life for granted and chooses evil over good.

1,000 worthless Whose Line points if you can guess which words I added. The chorus goes: “You should have known the price of evil. And it hurts to know that you belong here, yeah. No one to call. Everybody to fear. Your tragic fate is looking so clear, yeah. Oooh, it’s Selfish Bitchorama’s fuckin’ nightmare.”

But I’m human. My opinion of what should happen to Selfish Bitchorama is based in my imperfect human mind. Am I wrong? I——(musical hold mark)——-don’t think so, but only God knows the answer. That’s why He’s God and I’m not.

But some days I long for Bruce Almighty.

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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