Smoking Charges Ignite
Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...
Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...
Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise
When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...
Have you ever left a retail store Thinking that all was well? Soon to find out while you were inside The whole world had gone to hell For while you were happy inside for a while Content to keep getting …...
Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...
A Reasonable Explanation
Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....
That's a Mouthful
Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...
Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right
I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...
The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...
When Did I Become a Pushover?
I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...
As I Approach 30
I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....
Filed Under Family Maxims (series) on March 25th, 2011
Family Maxims #21
By Seth Kabala
Have you ever left a retail store
Thinking that all was well?
Soon to find out while you were inside
The whole world had gone to hell
For while you were happy inside for a while
Content to keep getting fatter
An evil soul took a sinister mission
This one? To make you the Mad Hatter
You cross the threshold. You start for your car
All you want to do is go home
And you do get as far as packing things up
Before the moment you wish you’d been cloned
Because if that were the case in this frustrating race
You could avoid the decision
To gun down the clown and get out of town
Before they send you to prison
Who is this clown? This meandering imp?
The one with an immovable ass?
It’s anybody that chooses the center aisle for walking
ME! attitude won’t allow you to pass
I’ve kept my cool. So far obeyed rules
That say stupid people can live
But I make no guarantees for the state of my peeves
Should I happen to be holding a shiv
Thus let it be known. Every house and home
The Kabala family shall never block your passage
We shall hug to the side, let you pass by
We shall keep to ourselves our slow-assage
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