insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

[ Swap Article ]

Sad Child

Mimicry

Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

[ Swap Article ]

ad-sample

Advertise Here

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a fan of selective strong language (and if you don’t know me, what’s your problem? Good stuff here). Constant cursing and acerbic descriptors affect writing quality the same as water in your basement. If …...

[ Swap Article ]

Re-gifting

Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...

[ Swap Article ]

A Reasonable Explanation

Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....

[ Swap Article ]

That's a Mouthful

Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...

[ Swap Article ]

Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right

I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Deadly Donuts

The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...

[ Swap Article ]

When Did I Become a Pushover?

I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...

[ Swap Article ]

As I Approach 30

I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....

[ Swap Article ]

0

Filed Under on May 26th, 2012

Selective Censor

By Seth Kabala

Anyone who knows me knows I’m a fan of selective strong language (and if you don’t know me, what’s your problem? Good stuff here).

Constant cursing and acerbic descriptors affect writing quality the same as water in your basement. If it stays in the water-heater, doing what it’s supposed to do, performing its duty in making the house function (no more outdoors shithouse? Check), you’re all good. If it leaks out the sump pump, if the sewer backs up, you could be literally up shit creek (trust me. Been there).

So it would seem to make sense that outside of writing, one should also strive to constrain one’s speech to those words most likely to drive the maximum impact, and if a “fuck” helps you do that, go for it. Just don’t waste these gems. They’re just as likely to get your ass kicked as win an argument, and the knowledge that you were right won’t mean a helluva lot when your face is making it to third-base with the sidewalk.

That’s my take on cursing. But my wife apparently thinks differently.

A few weekends ago, we traveled to Traer, IA for my cousin’s graduation party. After, we were getting ready to head back to Grandma JoJo’s, when Will, my six-year-old, started freaking out because he couldn’t get his door closed. As I often peel out of our driveway prior to all the doors being closed, doing my best to create human windsocks of my family, I could understand his consternation.

The pillow he’d brought along for the road trip was getting in the way, and try as he might, he couldn’t overpower that fluff (similar to a problem the majority of the US adult population has. What? I was talking about clothes that don’t fit. What did you think I was talking about?).

In rural small town America, when an eighteen-wheeler rolls through town, it obscures speech with the efficacy of jets on-board an aircraft carrier. All the buildings act like pinball bumpers, reverberating the sound, making you feel like your dentist really screwed up.

One came in for a landing during the pillow incident, so maybe I, my mom and my brother Trevor, both of whom were with us, were in the middle of the pinball effect, and maybe we heard Amy wrong, but I don’t think so. I think my wife needs a censor.

Despite admonitions that we couldn’t leave until he had closed the door, Will continued having no luck, so Amy said (so she said) tone exasperated, “Push it!”

To me, Mom, and Trevor, it sounded like she said, “Bullshit,” but she insisted this was incorrect. Traditional safe concurrence with the wife that keeps my sex life active aside, I put it to you, dear reader, to decide which response makes more sense.

The analysis:

Scenario 1.

Will was freaking out, doing his best impression of a possessed soul–slash–electrocution victim, saying he couldn’t get the seat-belt buckled, and in response to this bullshitigans, Amy responded as deserved–”Bullshit,” which obviously implies she disbelieved he couldn’t buckle the belt, and he should do anything necessary to accomplish buckling of said buckle, up to and including pushing the pillow out the way.

Egads. Look at all the space you can save with one curse!

Or.

Scenario 2.

Will was freaking out, acting as though he’d just received the life-altering news that, yes, he must finish dinner before dessert, was insisting he couldn’t buckle the seat-belt, and Amy suggested, with healthy vigor, that he push the pillow out of the way.

Given my wife’s propensity for avoiding curses like Kirstie Alley avoids the gym (unless a paycheck is sitting just inside the door, to the left of the lipo machine) (Seth’s Happy Time the notable exception), the logical answer is scenario two.

Yeeeah. And that option is so funny, right?

“Push it!”

FacebookGoogle+PinterestRedditTwittertumblrEmail



Leave a Reply





Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

0 Comments Load Comments


Plumbing Speed Logo Icon Design

Speed Plumbing

The pipe masters ascended the stairs and entered the arena. They'd come a long way, building rudimentary structures to escape cribs and punish bullies as children, graduating to more complicated designs as adolescents and adults. Mario had been especially proud of his design that transported him...

[ Swap Article ]

Fortune cookie bad set. death and robber on paper prediction. Vector illustration

Imaginative Cookies

The executive stepped to the lectern, his stomach churning with nerves and the remnants of last night's authentic Mexican food. Wonderful flavors. Wonderful and punishing, that is. This moment was shaping up to be a repeat of that theme. Investors, the public, the press--if he could convince them...

[ Swap Article ]

Businessman Drawing on the Whiteboard. Pop Art

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #19

A few months ago, I decided to write a daily quote on my office wall. No, I’m not an irascible child who will not be contained in my creative fury. I have a whiteboard that I use for quote purposes and other work stuff. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Funny broken furnitures trash pile

Backyard of Doom

The kids left detritus lying all over the yard during a recent play session. When I went out later to bring the garbage cans up from the curb, it was like Indiana Jones making his way through the Temple of Doom, stumbling over a rubber rain boot, high stepping over the top of an old bar-stool,...

[ Swap Article ]

!FINAL FINAL Mike Graphic Album Cover v2 Option D copy

Review: The Worst Kind of Thoughtful

"One-hundred percent Italian" stand-up comic Mike Vecchione hails from the Queens borough of New York City. While writing, rehearsing, and recording The Worst Kind of Thoughtful, his 2nd comedy album, we're guessing he never gave a thought to how the awesomeness of his work would necessitate public...

[ Swap Article ]

Running coach - dinosaur

Surplus Children

Crouching under the elevated prison, the man held his hands over his ears, rocking back and forth like a buoy on a turbulent sea. No, no, no, he thought. This could not be happening. He'd done everything by the book. Prepared the beast's meals exactly as prescribed, acquired the best clothing and...

[ Swap Article ]

???????????????????????

Editor’s Note_TFF Issue #18

The entertainer waited patiently at the street corner. Regaled in his Darth Vader mask, he struck a menacing, if not eye-brow raising, figure. A black cape flowed behind him in the soft downtown breeze, also ruffling the hem of his kilt. ...

[ Swap Article ]

roller coaster

Thrill Ride

I delivered my 10th speech at Toastmasters this past Thursday, earning me the ranking of Competent Communicator (CC), as if there was any doubt. I've found it helpful to post these speeches here, as 1) they might help you light a fire under your ass to start your public speaking journey, and 2) I...

[ Swap Article ]

The sun painted chalk on the asphalt

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #17

I find myself sitting at my kitchen table on the best day of the year, weather wise. I'm inside but close enough to the patio door to feel the sun's rays radiating through the glass. Their circle of influence grows strong today. ...

[ Swap Article ]

???????????????????????????????????????

10 Things I Learned from Fast & Furious Movies

Amy and I watched all eight Fast & Furious (FF) movies over the past couple of weeks. We had seen the first couple, but nothing post Paul Walker (RIP), and it had been years since the franchise debuted, so we started at the beginning. They are pure escapist pleasure, short on substantive plotting,...

[ Swap Article ]

masters degree, 3D rendering, triple flags

Just Like Howard

The books punched through the plaster and lathe boards and utilities recessed in the ceiling, through the rafters and sheathing and shingles, sending splinters flying and pipes bursting. Roofing materials exploded into a thousand lethal projectiles as the book pile launched into the atmosphere. With...

[ Swap Article ]