insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

[ Swap Article ]

Sad Child

Mimicry

Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

[ Swap Article ]

ad-sample

Advertise Here

Walter had been away deployed with his unit oversees for over a year. Elizabeth, his loyal wife and ardent lover, managed their home and business in his absence. The pharmacy had been in the family for five generations. Though it …...

[ Swap Article ]

Re-gifting

Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...

[ Swap Article ]

A Reasonable Explanation

Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....

[ Swap Article ]

That's a Mouthful

Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...

[ Swap Article ]

Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right

I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Deadly Donuts

The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...

[ Swap Article ]

When Did I Become a Pushover?

I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...

[ Swap Article ]

As I Approach 30

I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....

[ Swap Article ]

0
Air against Fire

Filed Under , , on May 23rd, 2015

Alternative Medicine

By Seth Kabala

Walter had been away deployed with his unit oversees for over a year. Elizabeth, his loyal wife and ardent lover, managed their home and business in his absence. The pharmacy had been in the family for five generations. Though it wasn’t the sexiest of operations, it provided a healthy income, which the couple used to finance the best home, fashion, and lifestyle for themselves and their children.

Elizabeth was a tall brunette, her hair curling into tight ringlets without the aid of any product. She had a thin, muscular figure from constant running and lifting. She was happy with her muscularity and strength, though she sometimes wished her breasts were softer and heavier instead of just modestly round, firm, and small.

However, Walter, a former college sprinting track star and no slouch in the gym himself, claimed he loved every part of her, and he proved it every opportunity he got. Sadly, those opportunities had been barren since his departure. But now, tonight even, he was coming home–back to the family, the pharmacy, and back to her, to give her some medicine no pharmacy could provide, of which he was the single, potent source.

Regular readers of this column will note that I do not mince words when it comes to describing the dalliances of mine and my wife’s sex life. We’re married. We love each other. We love sex. We think you should, too. We think you should know how great we are. Some may consider that last comment superfluous, but I consider it intentionally relevant. Everyone needs a role model. Why shouldn’t we be yours?

That said, the title of this piece has nothing to do with our sex life. If you’re a bible pounding, sermon screaming, hell fire and brimstone heating of the collective loins of the church church-goer, you probably haven’t read this far, but on the off-chance you’re feeling rebellious (my first joke), rest assured this piece, or the rest of it, anyway, is wholesome, though I take no responsibility for unintended interpretations of double entendres.

We recently painted the exterior of our house. My wife, Amy, did a lot of the painting. Before I go on any further, I must say this: Amy, you’re awesome, and while viewing you up on the ladder, your figure illuminated in silhouette by sunlight from behind, I never once imagined you naked in full body paint. I can control my impulses.

Keeping our kids inside on a nice day is like trying to put the lid back on a beehive. They might come back of their own volition–eventually. After all, who doesn’t like to come home to a big pot of honey? Graham crackers, for our kids. But trying to force the issue will just result in everyone getting hurt. You need to lubricate the situation. Food bribes. I’m talking food bribes, people. What is wrong with you?

Our children have the energy of the gods of Olympus, never-ending and annoying. Once, while Amy was up on the ladder, Ella zoomed by too close, turning the tool into an instant vibrator, sending waves of sensations through Amy’s body–waves of terror, of course. Amy told Ella she needed to stay away from the ladder while we were painting.

Ella’s response: “I’ll just pound on you, and you’ll be okay.”

First of all, pounding on the victim of a fall from a ladder will likely do more harm than good.

Second, pounding Mommy is Daddy’s job, wherever and whenever said pounding is required.

Hmm, perhaps the body paint thing will work out after all.

 

FacebookGoogle+PinterestRedditTwittertumblrEmail



Leave a Reply





Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

0 Comments Load Comments


Pop-art style poster with hipster deer dressed in yellow glasses and scarf, telling I am cool.

Toxic Bambi

Yesterday while I was writing, Ella, our seven-year-old, came up to me and said she had thought of a joke. "My first joke," she announced, pride streaming from her voice and face. I asked her what it was. Here's what she said, "What does [we'll say Bob] want to do for school? Me U. Get it? Me U...

[ Swap Article ]

World Map in Typography word cloud concept, names of countries

Plan for the Journey

Toastmasters is moving away from its physical manuals and static speech-making program into a dynamic program called Pathways. On January 10, 2019, I delivered my first speech in Pathways: a re-imagination of my ice-breaker speech. If you don't know me, know this: if you give me a rubric, I will...

[ Swap Article ]

Secondhand word cloud

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #20

Some vehicles bring lackluster competitive spirit to dancing competitions. Despite their nimble construction, most compact models lack the energy to stick it out in the most heated scenarios. Then you've got the ones who were made for dancing. Made for not just cruising down the road, but for...

[ Swap Article ]

Plumbing Speed Logo Icon Design

Speed Plumbing

The pipe masters ascended the stairs and entered the arena. They'd come a long way, building rudimentary structures to escape cribs and punish bullies as children, graduating to more complicated designs as adolescents and adults. Mario had been especially proud of his design that transported him...

[ Swap Article ]

Fortune cookie bad set. death and robber on paper prediction. Vector illustration

Imaginative Cookies

The executive stepped to the lectern, his stomach churning with nerves and the remnants of last night's authentic Mexican food. Wonderful flavors. Wonderful and punishing, that is. This moment was shaping up to be a repeat of that theme. Investors, the public, the press--if he could convince them...

[ Swap Article ]

Businessman Drawing on the Whiteboard. Pop Art

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #19

A few months ago, I decided to write a daily quote on my office wall. No, I’m not an irascible child who will not be contained in my creative fury. I have a whiteboard that I use for quote purposes and other work stuff. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Funny broken furnitures trash pile

Backyard of Doom

The kids left detritus lying all over the yard during a recent play session. When I went out later to bring the garbage cans up from the curb, it was like Indiana Jones making his way through the Temple of Doom, stumbling over a rubber rain boot, high stepping over the top of an old bar-stool,...

[ Swap Article ]

!FINAL FINAL Mike Graphic Album Cover v2 Option D copy

Review: The Worst Kind of Thoughtful

"One-hundred percent Italian" stand-up comic Mike Vecchione hails from the Queens borough of New York City. While writing, rehearsing, and recording The Worst Kind of Thoughtful, his 2nd comedy album, we're guessing he never gave a thought to how the awesomeness of his work would necessitate public...

[ Swap Article ]

Running coach - dinosaur

Surplus Children

Crouching under the elevated prison, the man held his hands over his ears, rocking back and forth like a buoy on a turbulent sea. No, no, no, he thought. This could not be happening. He'd done everything by the book. Prepared the beast's meals exactly as prescribed, acquired the best clothing and...

[ Swap Article ]

???????????????????????

Editor’s Note_TFF Issue #18

The entertainer waited patiently at the street corner. Regaled in his Darth Vader mask, he struck a menacing, if not eye-brow raising, figure. A black cape flowed behind him in the soft downtown breeze, also ruffling the hem of his kilt. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Choose Smile Face

The Answer Is Me

Fresh off finishing my Competent Communicator Toastmasters credential, I veered into zany territory for my next speech. I suspect this is where I will live from now on, with perhaps the occasional trip back to Seriousness Land. Why put yourself through the pain of voluntary public speaking if you're...

[ Swap Article ]