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Hey, Guys, I’m talking to you. Have you wondered why it’s so hard to lose those last five, 10, … 100 pounds (it’s less depressing to call them all the “last” pounds)? I have the answer. My wife, Amy, likes …...

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Filed Under on December 30th, 2011

Shake Subterfuge

By Seth Kabala

Hey, Guys, I’m talking to you. Have you wondered why it’s so hard to lose those last five, 10, … 100 pounds (it’s less depressing to call them all the “last” pounds)? I have the answer.

My wife, Amy, likes to make fruit smoothies. We usually enjoy these in the evenings after the kids are asleep, or at least after we’ve imprisoned them in their rooms with the threat of creating a monster bonfire with all their toys, and using said bonfire to ignite all toy factories, kids show production studios, and television broadcast locations in the world, rendering their lives dull and pointless, which only sometimes works, but I digress.

Sitting on the couch while watching Everybody Loves Raymond, Scrubs, My Name Is Earl, and How I Met Your Mother, I always thought my inability to go from 180 down to 170 was due to my desire to snack and be lean, but not too lean as to deny me my precious Hostess Donettes.

NOT TRUE!

Amy and I are using an ap called MyFitnessPal. It allows you to track calories and nutrition breakdown information in your smartphone. You set a goal weight, how fast you would like to achieve said weight, and it gives you your daily caloric goal, adjusting this upward if you decide to exercise and be a hard-body thin person instead of a thin person wearing a living, crumpled grocery sack of your former gluttony.

I’ve always been thin, but never too ripped, and as I said before, I attributed this to my love of snacks. Then Amy told me about MyFitnessPal, I was intrigued. Why not start out the new year upbeat on a fitness high and fail along with everyone else, I thought. Yay conformity! So I started using the program and noticed a quick drop in weight.

But this drop was accompanied by a noticeable absence of one formerly frequent nutritional element: fruit smoothies, for it’s difficult to meet one’s caloric goal when eating food that requires the consumer to sign a medical release form prior to ingestion.

But one night, I had room–that is, I had been busy during the day, so I didn’t eat as many calories for breakfast and lunch, leaving me with enough calories to enjoy a fruit smoothie.

During construction of the smoothies (it is quite an art, a dark art), Amy mentioned that she wanted to start substituting a shake for one of her meals, to which I said she should make sure she put protein in it, because it would be unhealthy in the long run to blah, blah, blah … you get it, right?

And she said, “I always put yogurt, cheese, and fruit in my shakes.”

AHA!

She tried to backtrack, but I had none of that.

Cheese? Really, Babe? If you liked my kinda-but-not-too-ripped physique so much, you should have been more careful with your words. Now I know your secret to keeping my weight at the 180 threshold, destined to never descend into mistaken-for-a-Men’s-Health-model territory.

As a man, it is my right to decide whether I wish to appear in the pages of Fatties Anonymous or Men’s Health–not yours!

It’s a good thing we don’t have a dog, or you might find that my favorite jerky manufacturer tweaked the recipe. No need to investigate the new smell as you reach for a sample.

So, Guys, beware the smoothie.

On the upside, this extra ingestion of cheese could explain all the farting. Not likely, but it’s nice to pretend like I care about a hypothesis, and perhaps I should.

I may need a scientific investigation to ensure my Vlasic pickles haven’t been switched with pickled churros.

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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