insurance design

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ad-sample

Advertise Here

You like sleeping on a burlap sack, right? Coarse, thick, durable–it’s everything you could ever want in bedding, sure to never wear out and always leave tell-tale signs of anti-sleep activity. What??? You like soft bedding? Aren’t a fan of …...

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Deadly Donuts

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When Did I Become a Pushover?

I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...

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As I Approach 30

I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....

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Filed Under on September 4th, 2011

Sheet Snafu

By Seth Kabala

You like sleeping on a burlap sack, right? Coarse, thick, durable–it’s everything you could ever want in bedding, sure to never wear out and always leave tell-tale signs of anti-sleep activity.

What??? You like soft bedding? Aren’t a fan of bed-rash (sounds more like an STD than an indication of undulating activity, now that I think about it) caused by sources other than fingernails? Prefer the real thing? Yeah, me, too, but my sheets had other ideas.

I am apparently a sleep kicker. Perhaps my standing around on the field as a soccer-playing happened-to-be-wearing-a-uniform-that-matched-the-other-players, also-happened-to-have-my-parents-sign-me-up-unbeknownst-to-me youth, once accidentally assisting a goal (what’s that they say about a broken clock?), caring much more about the oranges at halftime and the pop after the game than any RA! RA! (unless you’re talking about the sun god. Then we’re talking) camaraderie, finally caught up to me in a repressed memory that played out in a dream?

Who knows? But whatever the cause, over the course of two years since we purchased new sheets, my feet wore the patch next to my side of the foot-board as thin as tissue paper, and as I stretched out, I heard a “RRRIIIP,” the sound you never want to hear unless it’s coming from your woman’s clothing and YOU are the source of the ripping.

I had kicked my way through the sheet.

Fast forward a few days.

My wife is 37-weeks pregnant and about as quick on her feet as a glacier. Everything hurts, so she’s said, so instead of just jumping her, I thought it chivalrous to inquire if everything was out of service until further notice.

Me: What are your thoughts on sex? Are you too uncomfortable?

Amy: No, I’m not too uncomfortable.

Me: (Getting my foot stuck in the rip in the sheet–again–at the moment she said this.) Dangit!

Amy: (Pause.) Would you prefer the other answer?

I realized the incongruity, had a laugh, and then jumped her, but I realize how close the night came to disaster, so I will be investing in those burlap sacks.

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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