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Money eye bottle soda water isolated on mascot

Filed Under , on May 25th, 2019

Hydrating Water

By Seth Kabala

Phil wasn’t sure what caused his muscles to dehydrate and shrivel up into jerky encased in skin, but he understood the aftermath. His career was over.

He’d been a finalist in the men’s 100M track & field event at the 2040 Olympic Games. After years of bowing to the Jamaicans, the Americans had finally returned to center-stage, and he was their leader. Or, he had been up until he instantly lost 70% of his body weight at the 50M mark, giving folks a gruesome front-row look at the process used to package MREs, his body’s water content floating off in a small cloud, every few seconds catching the light from a camera flash.

After the event officials had used a squeegee to scrape his collapsed frame off the track, they had to take care not to let the wind get at him, because his newly collapsed self inflated a few times like a sail, floating 50′ above the in-field before the gust died down. There aren’t too many positive attributes to instant and total dehydration, but having your body act like a parachute? That’s one of them. Phil floated down into the water pit beyond the steeplechase hurdle, and POOF! Instant rehydration, though not exactly back to top form. You don’t go from three-dimensional to one and back within a matter of minutes and avoid permanent health effects.

Phil thought his first order of business after becoming the most interesting medical specimen in history would be to check into what went into his pre-race workout meal. Next, what kind of spells were they casting over the steeplechase?

* * *

Amy came home from a shopping trip to Fred Meyer with something called “core HYDRATION perfectly balanced water.” You read that right. The big marketing shtick for this product–this bottled water product–is that it hydrates you.

FULL STOP.

Here’s the write-up on the side of the bottle:

A balanced body works better, it’s that simple. That’s why core hydration mirrors your body’s natural pH balance of 7.4*. core hydration is ultra purified and has a special combination of electrolytes and minerals [read: marketing magic] that work with your body to help you stay hydrated, balanced and feeling your best [ignore the "hydrated" and "balanced" parts. It's the state of mind they're after].

*approximately 7.4 pH

I re-typed the bottle copy exactly as it appeared. Then I cracked open the seal, took a drink, and guess what? It tasted like water! Holy fucking shit! It tasted like water! We got this bottle for free in some promotion, so it didn’t cost us anything. Normally, it’s spendy–like real spendy. I checked a couple online sources, and Amazon is selling a 12-pack of 30.4 oz bottles for $18.96. Why 30.4?

I’m guessing somebody screwed up the specs on these bottles, and somebody else a little smarter and a little more devious–obviously a Warriors fan–decided they could use that deviation to their advantage. 30.4 oz is now a point of market differentiation instead of a fuck-up. Nicely done, except for the part about being a Warriors fan.

Game this out with me here, folks. 30.4 * 12 = 364.8 oz, which equals 2.85 gallons or about $6.65/gallon. For water.

Let’s keep it going. I’ve got five people in my house. According to the United States Geological Survey, the average person uses up to 100 gallons of water/day. It’s the weekend, and I’m not doing math, so let me go grab my iPhone. … Ok, I’m back. Doo-doo-doo-doo-doo, that’s 15,000 gallons/month * $6.65 = if I go find the guy who got fired for screwing up the specs of the 30.4 oz bottles, and I engage in an illicit black market transaction to acquire a gross of them, I can channel my family’s normal monthly water usage into $99,750–almost $100,000 a month for selling water.

I like this business plan. Even though this product is advertised with sloppy copy-writing and probably has an equal chance of either improving my health by way of re-hydrating my flattened body if I get some bad mojo at the Olympic Games of 2040, or doing not a goddamn thing at all, I don’t think I can pass this up. This Core guy–excuse me, “core”– is hogging all the lettuce. I want a salad, too. Actually, I want a steak, but you get the point.

Seems like the deal of the century. Now, how do I get to the dark web?

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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