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Filed Under on December 10th, 2010

Dirty 'Shampoo'

By Seth Kabala

Have you ever had an orgasm while washing your hair? No, no, I’m not talking about what you might be doing with your free hand or what someone else might be doing to you (we really do need a bigger shower, Honey); I’m talking about the singular act of washing your hair.

No? Never had an Herbal Essences moment? Me neither, and I think I’ve figured out why. It’s because the word “shampoo” has been misunderstood for hundreds of years.

Take the two primary syllables of the word: “sham” and “poo.” See where I’m going?

“Sham” is primarily a noun, according to Merriam-Webster.com. The number one definition reads: “A trick that deludes.”

Ok. I see. The manufacturers set out to deceive us. Probably with a combination of salacious advertising and psychedelic additives to mask our knowledge of the next syllable’s meaning.

“Poo” is primarily a “derogatory diminutive,” per MW.com. the example given is “cutesy-poo.”

Meh. I don’t think so. I think the shampoo manufacturers were more clever on this one. They didn’t go with the primary use of this part of speech.

They went street.

Thayat’s ryeet. I’m tawkin’ Urban Dictionary, fool. Or is it just “foo”? Whatever.

In this case, the lesser-known meaning was attached to the second syllable. Urban Dictionary.com lists eight types of poos: The Sweetcorn, The Pellets, The Fireball, The Slippy, The Waterhose, The Neverending Story, The Steamy Heapy, and The Sticky. UD goes into detail re: composition and situational occurrence, but I’ll spare you those details. I think the titles speak for themselves.

So it would appear that shampoo’s original meaning was to deceive the user from knowing the product was actually fake human excrement. Am I off my game here, or what?

Carry that over to the present and you’ve got the overpriced, heavily-scented snake-oils they sell today, which are nothing more than synthetic versions of undigested nutrients. No wonder orgasm has been suppressed.

Now that I have enlightened you, I’m thinking of changing my hairstyle to avoid this dastardly deceiving product. What do you think of dreads, Babe?

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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