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Filed Under , on June 1st, 2019

Let there Be Devices

By Seth Kabala

We have over a dozen devices now, and the number is only going to grow from here.

As part of my job a couple years back, I attended a conference on the latest and greatest developments in telecommunications technology. The keynote speaker talked about connected umbrellas, glowing blue in the morning to remind you that rain is in the forecast; connected refrigerators, analyzing the contents therein for presence or absence, comparing to your on-file meal plan, sending you reminders to go shopping for this or that, or giving you countdowns until you should throw out this or that; and connected cows (for real) to measure the number of steps a female cow has taken to determine the prime time to play Barry White for momma and poppa cow.

That was just the tip of the Toblerone. Those are huge chocolate bars, so you know I’m talking about a crap ton of connected devices.

We’re not quite to the level of the connected refrigerator in our household, but we’re getting close. How to cope in this new paradigm of connected everything? Why a household device code of ethics, of course.

1. The number of devices in the house shall grow proportionately with the number of compliments household members share with one another on a daily basis. This is intended to ensure that attitudes don’t go to crap. Sarcastic comments and biting witticisms may substitute for compliments/expressions of gratefulness, provided the members involved are giving it to each other, i.e., no one is spared from an impromptu roast.

2. If device advancement ever reaches the point where connected toilets are providing us instant feedback on the mineral content of our discharges, recommending, e.g., that we reduce salt intake, namely bacon, we shall flush said toilet, pack with M80s, and blow sky-high. The same applies to any device that seeks to curtail eating habits that contribute to positive emotional well-being.

3. If a user of a VR device, standing in the middle of the living room, whips Dad in the face, trips Dad, or otherwise interferes with Dad’s safe passage from one corner of the living room to the other, Dad reserves the right to go Sebastian Janikowski on one or more VR devices comprising the whole VR system, punting them into the netherworld. If household members, namely children, are successful retrieving punted devices from the netherworld, said members may resume gameplay, but only after installing a proximity alert system to warn Dad of the presence and use of said punted devices, allowing Dad time to curse and rave and get the anger out of his system, avoiding again punting said devices back into the netherworld.

4. Use of any device shall not excuse a household member from walking past another member without acknowledging the presence of the other member. If said acknowledgment results in one or both members realizing the other member has failed to complete a daily grooming task, e.g., washing one’s face, the realizing member is required to comment on this. Said comments shall take a similar form to these remarks: “I didn’t realize we were using your face as an alternative waste collection site,” or “It’s a good thing your face is so reflective. It’s always been a dream of mine to double as a street sign,” or “I’ve read that the buildup on your face that happens when you don’t wash it can produce a Petri dish of microbiological activity, potentially producing new species. Thank you for advancing science.”

5. Regardless of a perceived high need for funds that may exist elsewhere in the household, if a new device comes to market that involves coffee, the making of coffee, the ingestion of coffee, and therefore the improvement of one’s life through deeper association with coffee, the leader of the household shall earmark funds appropriate to acquire said device posthaste.

Genesis 1:3 (NIV) says, “And God said, ‘Let there be light,’ and there was light.” We are God’s creations, so anything we make is, by extension, God’s.

By that notion, I propose a scripture update for modern times: “And God said, ‘Let there be devices,’ and there were devices.”


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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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