insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

[ Swap Article ]

Sad Child


Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

[ Swap Article ]


Advertise Here

Amy and I watched all eight Fast & Furious (FF) movies over the past couple of weeks. We had seen the first couple, but nothing post Paul Walker (RIP), and it had been years since the franchise debuted, so we …...

[ Swap Article ]


Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...

[ Swap Article ]

A Reasonable Explanation

Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....

[ Swap Article ]

That's a Mouthful

Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...

[ Swap Article ]

Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right

I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Deadly Donuts

The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...

[ Swap Article ]

When Did I Become a Pushover?

I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...

[ Swap Article ]

As I Approach 30

I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....

[ Swap Article ]


Filed Under , , on March 31st, 2018

10 Things I Learned from Fast & Furious Movies

By Seth Kabala

Amy and I watched all eight Fast & Furious (FF) movies over the past couple of weeks. We had seen the first couple, but nothing post Paul Walker (RIP), and it had been years since the franchise debuted, so we started at the beginning. They are pure escapist pleasure, short on substantive plotting, long on witty dialogue, surprisingly good acting, cast chemistry, and smoldering (literally) action scenes. You don’t watch FF movies to bone up on how to win an Oscar; you watch them to have fun. However, lessons do abound. Here are 10 things I learned:

1. Movie 1–Whether outpacing Asian street gangs or trying to beat a train to the quarter mile crossing, your performance always improves when you drive with one arm while flexing your triceps.

2. Movie 2–Muscle cars develop special abilities when their drivers are under pressure to save a female compatriot, including flying and miraculously matching the speed of the watercraft they’re pursuing so as to allow legitimate stoppage upon touchdown, as opposed to caroming off the deck and into the water and certain death. It also helps to wear a stern expression of determination. In these movies, you think, therefore your car is.

3. Movie 3–Prequels that don’t realize they’re combo prequels/sequels/spin-offs/foreshadowing/something-or-other take a long time for story payoff. But when payoff comes, they make a surprising amount of sense, and almost make up for the presence of the most annoying red-neck, backwoods accent I have ever heard. Almost.

4. Movie 4–The potential riches from working as a driver for a drug cartel are enough to overshadow the fact that NO DRIVER EVER COMES BACK. If you’re looking for good sales training, look no further than the drug cartels. They have perfected the art of explaining away the disappearance of ALL OF THEIR EMPLOYEES. Selling magic.

5. Movie 5–When all your plans go to hell, don’t forget the smash and grab, this neat entry in the Deus Ex Machina line will come through. The audience buys it because the audience wants to buy it.

6. Movie 6–Dominic Toretto is an idiot. I never understood the chemistry between him and Letty. Elena is the superior woman on many fronts—physical beauty, smarts, acting chops, to name a few. Despite all this, for purposes of story integrity (pardon me while I laugh), when Dom discovers Letty is alive, he leaves Elena to find Letty, and I mean LEAVES leaves. Family is family. I get that. But this is one familial relation where the romantic element never held a flame for me. My negativity may relate to my holding a candle for Marlena of 90s Days of Our Lives fame (notice the similarity). My biases aside, if you said “Nooo!” when Dom left Elena, raise your hand. Thought so. How could he leave her trapped behind that wall— … I mean, trapped within the world of that cartel. Now I’m getting my stories mixed up. Thanks, FF, for your mastery of simultaneously entertaining and confusing.

7. Movie 7–As with any good franchise, if it keeps the money printing presses humming night and day, the director will shoehorn it into the story. Shooting a bag of grenades, air-dropping cars, driving—no, flying—a (noticeably lightweight) supercar between three skyscrapers–the nonsense rolls off the assembly line faster than smartphones made in Japan. Maybe there’s a theme here?

8. Movie 8—Charlize Theron is not my favorite actress. Even so, I tried to give her the benefit of the doubt, but she lost me with her partial dread-locked echos-of-Predator hairdo and her psychotic behavior that belied commitment to her stated purpose. To get people to perform at their best, I’ll threaten their family, kill their family at random, and run away like a bitch when Jason Statham miraculously saves the day. Of course she had to get away. How else could the franchise money printing presses keep rolling? Hope she remembered to return that wig to Predator. He’s gonna be pissed.

9. Movies 5-8–To Dwayne Johnson, please stop saying “sumbitch.” You are a fine actor, but you are disgracing yourself. Try saying “lily-livered codfish” instead. It would be less image damaging.

10. Movie 11–Gal Gadot’s career is soaring. If this continues, by the time this movie comes out (reportedly in 2020), Gisele’s resurrection will be at hand. Han’s, too. Jesus agrees with me, and since it’s the day before Easter, you really can’t argue with the Man.


Leave a Reply

Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

0 Comments Load Comments


Shuffler's Luck

I never knew a card game could change my life. I'm not talking about a high-stakes poker game, where international gangsters vie for dominance in a world of chance, and if chance doesn't go their way, bullets will do as a nice substitute. I'm talking about a simple card game with suggestions for the...

[ Swap Article ]

Bully man

Meter Mensch

A co-worker of mine dropped her bus pass in the hall. Someone picked it up and handed it to her. She thanked the person, saying she was sure glad she hadn't lost it for good. I poked my head out of my office and said, "You just ruined a fare inspector's day." Got a good laugh, and it got me...

[ Swap Article ]

Chess board made of white and brown sugar with King

Sweetness and Dark

The street is dark. Cars line both sides, hugging the curbs. Streetlamps reflect off of glossy paint jobs and squeegeed windshields, creating alternative perspective art pieces from flipped aspect ratios of bent light. A breeze blows the evening fog up from the water. It lowers the ambient...

[ Swap Article ]

Holy Cow - handgezeichnete Illustration mit Pastellkreide in türkis

Couch Etymology

From where you sit, do you understand seated origin? The reason for said sitting? If not, you soon will. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Pop-art style poster with hipster deer dressed in yellow glasses and scarf, telling I am cool.

Toxic Bambi

Yesterday while I was writing, Ella, our seven-year-old, came up to me and said she had thought of a joke. "My first joke," she announced, pride streaming from her voice and face. I asked her what it was. Here's what she said, "What does [we'll say Bob] want to do for school? Me U. Get it? Me U...

[ Swap Article ]

World Map in Typography word cloud concept, names of countries

Plan for the Journey

Toastmasters is moving away from its physical manuals and static speech-making program into a dynamic program called Pathways. On January 10, 2019, I delivered my first speech in Pathways: a re-imagination of my ice-breaker speech. If you don't know me, know this: if you give me a rubric, I will...

[ Swap Article ]


Battle of the Sarcasticons

I’m raising a band of Little Sarcasticons. Defined term? Yes, yes it is. You can find it in the Kabala Book of Sarcasticisms. New chapters available daily. No longer must we be constrained in our sarcastic witticism production. Oh, no, folks. Netflix has joined the charge with their resurrection...

[ Swap Article ]

Secondhand word cloud

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #20

Some vehicles bring lackluster competitive spirit to dancing competitions. Despite their nimble construction, most compact models lack the energy to stick it out in the most heated scenarios. Then you've got the ones who were made for dancing. Made for not just cruising down the road, but for...

[ Swap Article ]

Plumbing Speed Logo Icon Design

Speed Plumbing

The pipe masters ascended the stairs and entered the arena. They'd come a long way, building rudimentary structures to escape cribs and punish bullies as children, graduating to more complicated designs as adolescents and adults. Mario had been especially proud of his design that transported him...

[ Swap Article ]

Fortune cookie bad set. death and robber on paper prediction. Vector illustration

Imaginative Cookies

The executive stepped to the lectern, his stomach churning with nerves and the remnants of last night's authentic Mexican food. Wonderful flavors. Wonderful and punishing, that is. This moment was shaping up to be a repeat of that theme. Investors, the public, the press--if he could convince them...

[ Swap Article ]

Businessman Drawing on the Whiteboard. Pop Art

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #19

A few months ago, I decided to write a daily quote on my office wall. No, I’m not an irascible child who will not be contained in my creative fury. I have a whiteboard that I use for quote purposes and other work stuff. ...

[ Swap Article ]