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Following the Packers oh-no-you-dih-n’t epic loss to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game, I, a jaded fan, in last week’s column, raged against the improbability of it all. Throughout my business education and career, I’ve heard the principle of …...

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BOYCOTT

Filed Under , , on January 31st, 2015

5 Super Bowl Alternatives

By Seth Kabala

Following the Packers oh-no-you-dih-n’t epic loss to the Seahawks in the NFC Championship Game, I, a jaded fan, in last week’s column, raged against the improbability of it all. Throughout my business education and career, I’ve heard the principle of process consistency preached numerous times.

Call it branding. Call it image. Over time, your style emerges, be that good, bad, or ripping off your tear-away suit and dancing on the conference table in pink high-heels while singing vintage Britney Spears songs (if there are such things)–you are what you repeatedly do.

Pretty sure I stole that from another author, who probably stole it from someone else, who also stole … So I feel attention to the soundness of the advice is more appropriate than potential legal problems. (Hey, I’ve got an old car battery you can have. Core deposit! Yeah!)

I deviate in deployment of this truism only by degree, preferring to believe that we are what we repeatedly do for and in whatever context is appropriate. The pink high-heels might be appropriate in the boardroom, but the bedroom? No way, man. (Sarcasm was having a half-price sale.) So, for the specific application of complaining in the context of how much the Packers sucked and how I’m (though loyal) still bitter, here are five alternative activities to watching the Super Bowl:

1. Research prescription anti-depressants.

If you’re anything like me, after last season, you’re going to need a little something-something to keep you off the roof and get you through the next season alive and heart attack-free.

2. Play Sorry with your kids.

Before beginning, paint all the pieces navy blue with neon green trim, monogramming each to avoid confusion. Then, the first time you displace someone else’s piece, swing your arm like a tennis star and backhand that bitch off the game board. Then, hunt it down, and when you find it, stomp on it until the pieces are too small even to be used as starter material for LEGOs. Then, scoop up the bluish, greenish dust and place into a glass jar. Then, put said jar on the back of your fence, making sure no people or houses are within the kill-zone. Then, get your high-powered rifle, sight the abomination on your fence, and blow the bitch away. Then, should any residue remain, cordon off a 10-foot perimeter around the contaminated area, mix a Molotov Cocktail, and burn that bitch down.

Use your judgement regarding forewarning the fire department. If you choose to do this, I suggest polling the members to get a ratio of Packers fans to other fans. If the odds are on your side, by all means, be safety cautious. If not, be prepared to accept that the entire neighborhood/forest may become a casualty in this deserved burning in effigy of the enemy.

3. Kick field goals.

At this time of year, I dare say you’d be hard pressed to find an occupied high-school football field. If you ever took a turn playing high-school ball as a 150-lb weakling–who still had dreams of making it big, but on most practice days did a good job of impersonating the ball as you got the living shit beat out of you–you’ve got an old football stored somewhere close by. Find that football, take it to an abandoned field, and start kicking field goals. If current NFL standards are any indication, you’ll be good enough to secure a $1,000,000 contract before it gets dark.

4. Read the Bible.

Religious or not, fanatic or not–this book is chock full of good stuff. I’m flipping through mine at random right now with my eyes closed, sliding my index finger down to about half-way on the right side, and here we are: Proverbs 24:19 (KJV) reads, “Fret not thyself because of evil men, neither be thou envious at the wicked.” There you have it. The Seahawks are minions of Satan, “evil men,” and “wicked,” as the Good Book says. So boycotting the Super Bowl not only keeps your blood pressure down and your money out of the pockets of Fortune 500 companies; it increases your godliness. They say God doesn’t care about football–wrongoh!

5. Buy a new wall calender.

This one is neither funny nor insightful. You probably just need one, and since anything’s better than acquiescing to the glorification of evil, wicked men. Ca-aa-aa-lendar-ar the ni-ight away-ay-ay.

Did you hear classic rock?

Me, too.

 

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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