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Filed Under , on February 4th, 2012

Easy Slide: Friend or Woo-Hoo! Agent?

By Seth Kabala

A few weeks ago, we traveled up to Grundy Center, IA, for my Grandma JoJo’s 80th birthday party. Grandma has always been the picture of kindness and generosity. Seriously, I think she and Mother Teresa once had a cat fight. (“I’m the nicest!” “No, I’m the nicest, Be-to-the-otch!”) Grandma JoJo’s great, but this post isn’t about her, so step aside, girl.

After the party, Amy and I went with Will to Crystal Bowl, a, if memory serves, five-lane bowling alley/out-building. I bowled an 80, then a 140-something, pretty stellar, I thought, but then Will started complaining about being tired.

At the time, he was a couple weeks away from turning six, so I have no clue why he was having such a hard time pulling an all-nighter, but Uncle Don and Aunt Lexi offered to drive him back to Grandma’s house so he could be in full-disobedience mode the following morning. (He thinks I can’t read his thoughts, but I can.)

Then, kid free, the night took a most awesome turn when I saw this hanging behind the counter:

Fun times at the lanes.

Later, I looked it up and learned Easy Slide is a product you apply to the soles of your bowling shoes to aid sliding if you happen to step in water or beer or vomit as you get ready to throw your ball or release it or hurl it or, you know, help it overcome its inertia (I don’t know. Can you guess what league I’m NOT in?).

Before I researched Easy Slide’s use, however, here’s a list of possibilities that ran through my head:

1. Last minute contraceptive for the men’s and women’s bowling league team winners, who drank too much beer and decided knocking down pins and knocking boots should be done in close time proximity to one another.

2. Force field that guides the solo-male’s hand to the best placement for maximum results, and I’m not talking about the bowling ball at all.

3. The tagline for a sex guru with a really weird, and appropriate, name: Master Easy Slide, who specializes in helping lonely bowling patrons with amorous intentions approach other lonely bowling patrons with amorous intentions find the best way to incorporate use of a 12-pound blunt-object in foreplay.

4. An inflatable kids playhouse that, when placed near Kim Kardashian, or anything else full of hot air, explodes into a 15-foot high sliding, bouncing extravaganza, all conveniently packaged with nano-technology so as to fit in your pocket.

5. Anti-anxiety pills for nervous Power Point users who can’t keep their finger still to click to the next slide, smacking around the mouse as if it’s a live rodent.

6. What the Goo Goo Dolls were talking about in that song. Finally! An answer!

7. Magic potion to make you a better actor than Jerry O’Connell (ok, admittedly not great magic), promising other-worldly adventures, and occasional nausea, vomiting, upset-stomach, and diarrhea, and the opportunity to appear in a Pepto Bismol commercial looking like a dumb-shit.

I found this description of the product from chacha.com: “Easy Slide is a product that you apply to the sole of bowling shoes to help you slide safely after stepping in moisture.”

Hmmm. Still seems to be following the sexual theme. Not sure what goes on in most bowling alleys, but all those double-entendres have to go somewhere.

Perhaps veering down the wide lane?

Into the gutter?

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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