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Happy funny guy have a great idea!

Filed Under , , on May 16th, 2015

Macho Rimshot

By Seth Kabala

The American male conjures a home improvement project, draws plans, creates a budget, stays within said budget, and finishes the project with a final product that neither exceeds nor diminishes from the original plan, but instead exactly resembles the mental conjuring.

Pregnant pause.

Rimshot.

We’re trying to sell our house. After an unsuccessful FSBO attempt, we listed with a realtor. The first few weeks were super busy with showings, but no one’s interest progressed to the buying phase, and soon after, activity slowed and then flat-lined. I can’t stand sitting around waiting for things to happen; I like to take action and be in motion, being the driving force behind the tsunami of action as opposed to the shanty town leveled from its power, helpless to do anything but accept whatever happens and deal with the aftermath.

This isn’t to say I have world-domination ambitions, but, you know, whatever it takes to sell my house. If that means embarking on a new career as a despotic dictator, so be it.

Our house is nice on the inside, but the exterior left a bit to be desired, as in, if you had tragically ingested cooked broccoli  and needed to vomit, and you had a choice between taking Ipecac or looking at our house, the miserable, vomitous mass results would be similar, and you’d have gotten your Princess Bride fix on, so, yay.

Last Monday, I decided we would paint the porch railings and install flowers in the existing flower beds. That was the idea kernel. What happened next quickly spiraled into something else, bringing sanity to the brink of disassociation from reality.

Projects:

1. Paint house–We only need a step-ladder for a two-story house, right?

2. Create new flower bed–Removing sod will be the same as cutting the crust off a piece of bread, right?

3. Create backyard gravel patio–My back is strong enough to lift 50 bags of rock, right?

4. Paint shutters–Painting angled woodwork won’t give us dripping problems, right?

5. Re-paint kids’ rooms–People don’t like murals; they like neutral colors, the better to create their news-clipping carpeted stalker walls, right?

6. Re-purpose trellis into front-yard landscaping installation–Getting scratched by chicken wire is like brushing a feather pillow over your skin, right?

7. Mulch everything–A thin layer will look just as good as a thick layer, right?

8. Dispose of earth from new flower bed and gravel patio–Don’t worry. We’ll find an inconspicuous place for all the dirt, right?

9. Re-carpet porch–Oh, I’m sure the dimensions in my head are just as reliable as taking measurements, right?

Since even I get sick of me after a while, I shall endeavor to stay within my word-count range for this column and focus in on and express deep, expansive sarcasm about only one of the above projects: the porch carpet.

Observations about porch carpet tiles:

1. Oh, the old carpet is just stuck down with tape. That’ll come right up easily, right?

2. Oh, even though the mudroom has the same crappy, old carpet, not changing that won’t bother us, right?

3. Oh, if we mess up the placement pattern of one tile and put it down with the wrong orientation, we’ll never notice it, and it won’t make Seth us grit his our teeth and feel as though Seth is we’re about to explode with OCD rage, right?

4. Oh, it’ll take 30 minutes tops to stick down all the new stuff, right?

5. Oh, all-nighters are super fun, right?

Thus, I am the rimshot in the lead.

And the house looks great.

Yay.

 

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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