Smoking Charges Ignite
Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...
Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...
Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise
When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...
A couple weeks ago, Amy diagnosed and changed out all three fuses that controlled electrical flow to the outlets in our car. Super sexy. Super cool. When I say that Amy did it, I don’t mean that I was standing …...
Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...
A Reasonable Explanation
Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....
That's a Mouthful
Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...
Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right
I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...
The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...
When Did I Become a Pushover?
I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...
As I Approach 30
I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....
Madre > Padre
By Seth Kabala
A couple weeks ago, Amy diagnosed and changed out all three fuses that controlled electrical flow to the outlets in our car. Super sexy. Super cool. When I say that Amy did it, I don’t mean that I was standing on the sidelines, guiding hands and helping words coaching her to a successful solution. I mean she did it. All.
My contribution to the trouble-shooting melange was to suggest we double-up on our trip to Fred Meyer (for the noble pursuit of ice-cream acquisition) and also swing by Auto Zone to grab replacement fuses. (And also pay for them. You can close your Wood Village unsolved police theft reports.)
Is there anything sexier than a woman who can troubleshoot mechanical problems? I don’t intend for this to sound sexist. I’m not saying that it’s surprising that my wife was able to troubleshoot electrical issues in our car; this modern age of growing equality shows us daily examples of what women have probably always been capable, e.g., Christmas Abbott, the first member of a NASCAR pit crew, Danica Patrick, the first woman in history to win an IndyCar event.
I think NASCAR racing is as exciting as watching my neighbor run his leaf blower across his entire property, and then the sidewalk, and then the street. Every. Weekend. In two words: crazy boring. IndyCar racing is only marginally more interesting, because of the phallic implications of the cars’ designs. Other than that, meh. So my researching it to provide factual examples for this point proves my sincerity, and I only got a little redneck on me. Nothing a trip to the opera and an overpriced McMenamins cocktail won’t cure.
When Amy texted me that the car outlets weren’t working, I immediately went worst-case scenario, assuming that rather than a simple electrical problem, we were one shorted wire away from burning down our house. Why did I do that? It makes no sense. Not only were the issues small, nothing a $3 fuse couldn’t fix; Amy was home and in-charge. When that woman attaches herself to a problem, that problem best make sure it is right with Jesus, because it is not long for this world.
Amy can solve any problem. Here’s a list of things she’s fixed recently:
1. Conquered Amazon’s non-intuitive process to add Amazon Pay to her account
2. Restored Anna’s iPod
3. Solved issue with Will’s Chromebook not switching orientation to tablet mode
4. Fixed bug in Will’s Five Nights at Freddy’s PS4 VR game
5. Created and installed a gravity feed food dispenser for our cat, Toki
6. Installed Ethernet cable extension from printer to router, blending cable color with room aesthetics and cord placement with room lines
7. Researched and resolved Windows-to-Chromebook compatibility
8. Researched and resolved iOS-to-Chromebook compatibility
9. Crocheted covers for chair feet
10. Programmed garage door for level setting, keeping the damn thing from thinking the ground is an obstruction
11. Calibrated sliding screen door for optimum track position maintenance
12. Removed Keurig blockage
13. Removed garbage disposal jam
14. Sourced and scheduled (through Facebook Marketplace) the visits and purchases of all recent furniture buys
15. Attended an entire Cubs game with me in Kansas City last year and got 90% of the terminology correct
16. Power cycled our TV to restore its inability to connect to the WiFi network, staving off all-out anarchy from the kids
My best recent example of troubleshooting is when I used twine to tie the two halves of the top of our trash can back together. I activated my inner MacGyver, drilled holes about two inches apart cross-ways down both sides of the crack, spaced equidistant vertically. I threaded the twine through the back two holes from the underside out, then crisscrossed threaded each end from side-to-side until I got to the front, where I over-hand knotted everything to jerry-rigged-good-enough operability.
Amy’s troubleshooting is not only more visible; it’s more useful to the family. Is it more helpful to be able to use car outlets than it is to have a working garbage disposal down which I can immediately throw all olives we ever purchase (jar and all) than it is to be able to open your trash can lid with one hand? Yes. Yes, it is.
I could satisfy equality crusaders and say that Amy is my equal, but I’ll do you one better. On the subject of troubleshooting:
Amy > Seth
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Tags: Amazon Pay, Amy, Anna, Auto Zone, Christmas Abbott, Chromebook, crocheted, Danica Patrick, diagnosed, equality crusaders, ethernet, facebook, family, FNAF, fuses, garage door, garbage can, garbage disposal, helpful, indyCar, iOS, iPod, Keurig, Macgyver, madre, McMenamins, mechanical problems, NASCAR, olives, opera, padre, phallic, PS4, screen door, sexy, texting, TFF Issue 22, theft report, Toki, troubleshooting, twine, VR, wife, WiFi, Will, Windows, Wood Village
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