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A couple weeks ago, Amy diagnosed and changed out all three fuses that controlled electrical flow to the outlets in our car. Super sexy. Super cool. When I say that Amy did it, I don’t mean that I was standing …...

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Madre Greater than Padre

Filed Under , on May 11th, 2019

Madre > Padre

By Seth Kabala

A couple weeks ago, Amy diagnosed and changed out all three fuses that controlled electrical flow to the outlets in our car. Super sexy. Super cool. When I say that Amy did it, I don’t mean that I was standing on the sidelines, guiding hands and helping words coaching her to a successful solution. I mean she did it. All.

My contribution to the trouble-shooting melange was to suggest we double-up on our trip to Fred Meyer (for the noble pursuit of ice-cream acquisition) and also swing by Auto Zone to grab replacement fuses. (And also pay for them. You can close your Wood Village unsolved police theft reports.)

Is there anything sexier than a woman who can troubleshoot mechanical problems? I don’t intend for this to sound sexist. I’m not saying that it’s surprising that my wife was able to troubleshoot electrical issues in our car; this modern age of growing equality shows us daily examples of what women have probably always been capable, e.g., Christmas Abbott, the first member of a NASCAR pit crew, Danica Patrick, the first woman in history to win an IndyCar event.

I think NASCAR racing is as exciting as watching my neighbor run his leaf blower across his entire property, and then the sidewalk, and then the street. Every. Weekend. In two words: crazy boring. IndyCar racing is only marginally more interesting, because of the phallic implications of the cars’ designs. Other than that, meh. So my researching it to provide factual examples for this point proves my sincerity, and I only got a little redneck on me. Nothing a trip to the opera and an overpriced McMenamins cocktail won’t cure.

When Amy texted me that the car outlets weren’t working, I immediately went worst-case scenario, assuming that rather than a simple electrical problem, we were one shorted wire away from burning down our house. Why did I do that? It makes no sense. Not only were the issues small, nothing a $3 fuse couldn’t fix; Amy was home and in-charge. When that woman attaches herself to a problem, that problem best make sure it is right with Jesus, because it is not long for this world.

Amy can solve any problem. Here’s a list of things she’s fixed recently:

1. Conquered Amazon’s non-intuitive process to add Amazon Pay to her account

2. Restored Anna’s iPod

3. Solved issue with Will’s Chromebook not switching orientation to tablet mode

4. Fixed bug in Will’s Five Nights at Freddy’s PS4 VR game

5. Created and installed a gravity feed food dispenser for our cat, Toki

6. Installed Ethernet cable extension from printer to router, blending cable color with room aesthetics and cord placement with room lines

7. Researched and resolved Windows-to-Chromebook compatibility

8. Researched and resolved iOS-to-Chromebook compatibility

9. Crocheted covers for chair feet

10. Programmed garage door for level setting, keeping the damn thing from thinking the ground is an obstruction

11. Calibrated sliding screen door for optimum track position maintenance

12. Removed Keurig blockage

13. Removed garbage disposal jam

14. Sourced and scheduled (through Facebook Marketplace) the visits and purchases of all recent furniture buys

15. Attended an entire Cubs game with me in Kansas City last year and got 90% of the terminology correct

16. Power cycled our TV to restore its inability to connect to the WiFi network, staving off all-out anarchy from the kids

My best recent example of troubleshooting is when I used twine to tie the two halves of the top of our trash can back together. I activated my inner MacGyver, drilled holes about two inches apart cross-ways down both sides of the crack, spaced equidistant vertically. I threaded the twine through the back two holes from the underside out, then crisscrossed threaded each end from side-to-side until I got to the front, where I over-hand knotted everything to jerry-rigged-good-enough operability.

Amy’s troubleshooting is not only more visible; it’s more useful to the family. Is it more helpful to be able to use car outlets than it is to have a working garbage disposal down which I can immediately throw all olives we ever purchase (jar and all) than it is to be able to open your trash can lid with one hand? Yes. Yes, it is.

I could satisfy equality crusaders and say that Amy is my equal, but I’ll do you one better. On the subject of troubleshooting:

Amy > Seth

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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