insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

[ Swap Article ]

Sad Child

Mimicry

Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

[ Swap Article ]

ad-sample

Advertise Here

The explorer burst into the temple at a run, breathing hard from the exertion. She skidded to a stop and scanned around, willing her eyes to adjust quickly to the dim light. The ancient guardians of the temple were fast …...

[ Swap Article ]

Re-gifting

Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...

[ Swap Article ]

A Reasonable Explanation

Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....

[ Swap Article ]

That's a Mouthful

Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...

[ Swap Article ]

Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right

I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Deadly Donuts

The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...

[ Swap Article ]

When Did I Become a Pushover?

I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...

[ Swap Article ]

As I Approach 30

I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....

[ Swap Article ]

0
golden iced lolly

Filed Under , on May 30th, 2015

Perishable Relics

By Seth Kabala

The explorer burst into the temple at a run, breathing hard from the exertion. She skidded to a stop and scanned around, willing her eyes to adjust quickly to the dim light. The ancient guardians of the temple were fast on her heels, their heavy footballs echoing off the ancient stone, growing louder every second. Any moment now they would overtake her, reclaim their sacred relic, and kill her.

But she held the trump card: she had deciphered the scroll, the key to unlocking the invisible vault. The footfalls were now thunderous, ringing in her ears like a klaxon blast. Storing the relic would give her time for things to settle down, figure out her next move, and retrieve the relic when she had studied its uses. But there was that warning about it leaving the grasp of its new possessor too soon. What was the  exact wording? No time. She found the vault, stashed the relic, and dashed out of the temple.

A year later, she returned to the invisible vault. Inside was nothing but ash.

* * *

We’re always after our children to finish their food when they sit down to the table, or when they take said food out to the porch, down to the sidewalk, around the back of the house, over into the neighbor’s yard, and any other place it might travel at our behest. (If you have figured out a way to keep your kids at the dinner table for the whole meal without resorting to threats that would have made a Cold War Soviet general proud, please let me know.)

I’ve come to accept (have lost resolve, preferring to devote my passionate arguments to defending issues of merit, such as the supremacy of generic toaster pastries over brand-name Pop Tarts) that it is a fruitless battle to try to confine all eating to the prescribed meal and snack times. Leniency is required.

Now, this doesn’t mean I ascribe to the notion that all meals should be buffet style or shove-it-in-and-shove-on-out, as in a competitive eating contest. What it means is I’ve realized the “starving children in Africa,” “mold growth,” and, most notably, “errant, hungry falcon jetting through our dining room” arguments for motivating my kids to eat quickly and remain stationary while doing so are full of logical holes, which my kids readily identify and, to my chagrin, exploit.  Alas, the unfortunate side effects of having intelligent offspring. Tough to maintain KGB-level respect/fear when the authoritative body underlying your arguments is revealed to be the thespianic concept of Hyperbole and his oft-sighted companion Desperation, or, as Stephen King said in his novel Duma Key, your parenting prowess shows the structural re-bar skeleton of “hum a few bars and I’ll fake it.”

This produces the realization that the location of eating and duration spent therein pales in comparison to THAT eating, sufficiently nutritious and voluminous, is taking place. My kids have yet to blow away when a strong gust of wind whips across our porch. When I look up in the sky and remark on the remarkable resemblance yonder kite has to a human, and upon closer inspection, realize my child is aloft, I’ll worry about said child’s weight. But if that occurs, equally likely is the possibility that said child will solve the equation to overcome gravity, rendering any response from me unnecessary.

I still abhor the wasting of food. I’ve stopped short of requiring the grinding of couch cushion refuse into a soup base, but we can bring this back to committee discussion, if necessary. There are, however, times when food is wasted not as the result of wanton carelessness, but because of simple ignorance, hilariously so, of scientific principles coupled with the capabilities of modern appliances and the scope of their intended functions.

Case in point: a refrigerator is an inappropriate place to store an uneaten popsicle. I know this. I think it’s fairly plausible to assume that you know this. But my three-year-old daughter, Ella, is blissfully ignorant of this.

Ella didn’t finish her after-dinner popsicle, so she put it in the fridge for later. The fridge. In the morning, I found a puddle.

Take pains to keep your treasure close and enjoy its efficacy while you can.

Science (or magic) may take it away without warning.

Ash makes for a poor after-dinner snack.

FacebookGoogle+PinterestRedditTwittertumblrEmail



Leave a Reply





Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

0 Comments Load Comments


roller coaster

Thrill Ride

I delivered my 10th speech at Toastmasters this past Thursday, earning me the ranking of Competent Communicator (CC), as if there was any doubt. I've found it helpful to post these speeches here, as 1) they might help you light a fire under your ass to start your public speaking journey, and 2) I...

[ Swap Article ]

The sun painted chalk on the asphalt

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #17

I find myself sitting at my kitchen table on the best day of the year, weather wise. I'm inside but close enough to the patio door to feel the sun's rays radiating through the glass. Their circle of influence grows strong today. ...

[ Swap Article ]

???????????????????????????????????????

10 Things I Learned from Fast & Furious Movies

Amy and I watched all eight Fast & Furious (FF) movies over the past couple of weeks. We had seen the first couple, but nothing post Paul Walker (RIP), and it had been years since the franchise debuted, so we started at the beginning. They are pure escapist pleasure, short on substantive plotting,...

[ Swap Article ]

masters degree, 3D rendering, triple flags

Just Like Howard

The books punched through the plaster and lathe boards and utilities recessed in the ceiling, through the rafters and sheathing and shingles, sending splinters flying and pipes bursting. Roofing materials exploded into a thousand lethal projectiles as the book pile launched into the atmosphere. With...

[ Swap Article ]

Claw scratch on white background, a vector illustration.

New Claws

The end has come for a man called Logan. That was his name, wasn't it? I don't know, man. ...

[ Swap Article ]

The United States of Russia

Review: The United States of Russia

With his third album, The United States of Russia, NYC-based comic Ben Rosenfeld covers new ground--frozen, depressing, vodka-soaked ground, that is. This album debuted on January 19 and quickly claimed the #1 slot on iTunes comedy albums. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Empty Theater Chairs

10 Reasons the Cheap Theater Rocks

1. You can see many of the big blockbusters weeks, perhaps even months, after they hit first-run theaters, solidifying your status as fashionably late and appreciative of the finer, aged things in life--such as yourself. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Skull smoking. Vector.

Psychoanalytic Geniuses

On a walk with my wife, Amy, I noticed a convenience store near our home has mounted logos all over the exterior of the building. The store’s sign advertises its status as a purveyor of all things tobacco, alcohol, and junk food. Yet, the proprietor evidently believes this is not enough and...

[ Swap Article ]

North Silver Falls Oregon. the trail takes you behind this beautiful waterfall with a huge cave like overhang.  Silver falls state park, Oregon

The Nature of Faith

We and California family members spent the last Saturday of 2017 exploring the trails and waterfalls of Silver Falls State Park. We've spent ample time hiking trails in the Columbia River Gorge and other areas surrounding the Portland metro, but these Silver Falls waterfalls were something...

[ Swap Article ]

2018 year goals list on napkin

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #16

2017 is coming to a close. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Im your king

The Privilege of Decision

I delivered the speech below as project #6 in my Toastmasters journey to earning my Competent Communicator award. Wish you had been there, dear reader. Someday. For now, here's the text: ...

[ Swap Article ]

Addicted

Constant Friend

Numbers. ...

[ Swap Article ]