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Skull smoking. Vector.

Filed Under , on January 13th, 2018

Psychoanalytic Geniuses

By Seth Kabala

On a walk with my wife, Amy, I noticed a convenience store near our home has mounted logos all over the exterior of the building. The store’s sign advertises its status as a purveyor of all things tobacco, alcohol, and junk food. Yet, the proprietor evidently believes this is not enough and decided the world needed to know every single brand of alcohol, tobacco, and junk food carried therein.

Is it necessary to provide this level of detail on your building’s exterior, the equivalent of an exploded catalog, regarding the products you carry? Possibly. I imagine the conversation went like this, spoken in the voices of Tommy Chong and Biff Tannen:

Tommy: Hey, what do you think about this for a marketing idea? Let me get a healthy serving of that California weed before we start off this here conversation. It’s like this: we paint the outside of the building some nondescript color, like a beige or white or teal or something.

Biff: Teal?! How is that nondescript?

Tommy: It’s nondescript when you’ve smoked a bowl or seven, and what do you think our customers will be doing before, during, and after they shop here?

Biff: Smoking weed. Gotcha. Smart.

Tommy: After we finish the painting, we get super enlarged versions of the logos for all the products we carry and post them all around the building. They’ll stand out from the walls because of the nondescript background color.

Biff: All the products? You mean just the most popular ones, right?

Tommy: No, I mean all the products. How do we know which products will be the most popular, dummy? We haven’t opened up yet.

Biff: We could do market research. Look at what other stores like ours have been doing. Hold focus groups. Read trade journals. Tons of ways, actually, that we could find out more about our target audience and their preferences.

Tommy: Tons of ways to blow smoke up my ass, too, but I don’t go there for the pleasure department, do I?

Biff: What?

Tommy: I mean just because we can do something because it makes sense in the traditional business world doesn’t mean it will make sense in the world of a weed-fueled shopper.

Biff: You’ve got a point.

Tommy: Course I’ve got a point. We need to be in the minds of our customers. How do we do that? We sample the complementary products the weeds shops are hocking. Ride the baked wave. Sample the purple sun.

Biff: Purple sun? Is that a cultural reference I’m too young to understand?

Tommy: No, the sun literally looks purple when you’re high as shit.

Biff: I have to start smoking more. Just looks plain old yellow to me. Hey, if we stare at it for too long after we’ve been smoking, do you think it will still damage our eyesight?

Tommy: Not a chance. When the visual receptors change to allow the viewer to see purple, a special organic compound is released into the eye that acts as an SPF agent. It’s like you’re wearing the most protective lenses that Maui Jim has to offer, but you save money on pricey shades and get to get high instead. Total win!

Biff: Give me that shit, Hoss. I want to see the purple, and this logo idea is the best. One look and the bakers won’t know what to buy, so they’ll just buy everything!

Tommy: Which will give us maximum funds to buy more of what we need:

Together: Purple Paradise weed.

Thus began the logo-covered convenience store near me, or so I imagine. Just a bunch of stoners? Maybe. Probably. Or perhaps some brilliant psychoanalytic business geniuses. Who knows? Exercise makes me think of weird stuff.

Or maybe it’s that Purple Paradise in the air?


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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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