insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

[ Swap Article ]

Sad Child

Mimicry

Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

[ Swap Article ]

ad-sample

Advertise Here

On a walk with my wife, Amy, I noticed a convenience store near our home has mounted logos all over the exterior of the building. The store’s sign advertises its status as a purveyor of all things tobacco, alcohol, and …...

[ Swap Article ]

Re-gifting

Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...

[ Swap Article ]

A Reasonable Explanation

Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....

[ Swap Article ]

That's a Mouthful

Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...

[ Swap Article ]

Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right

I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Deadly Donuts

The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...

[ Swap Article ]

When Did I Become a Pushover?

I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...

[ Swap Article ]

As I Approach 30

I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....

[ Swap Article ]

0
Skull smoking. Vector.

Filed Under , on January 13th, 2018

Psychoanalytic Geniuses

By Seth Kabala

On a walk with my wife, Amy, I noticed a convenience store near our home has mounted logos all over the exterior of the building. The store’s sign advertises its status as a purveyor of all things tobacco, alcohol, and junk food. Yet, the proprietor evidently believes this is not enough and decided the world needed to know every single brand of alcohol, tobacco, and junk food carried therein.

Is it necessary to provide this level of detail on your building’s exterior, the equivalent of an exploded catalog, regarding the products you carry? Possibly. I imagine the conversation went like this, spoken in the voices of Tommy Chong and Biff Tannen:

Tommy: Hey, what do you think about this for a marketing idea? Let me get a healthy serving of that California weed before we start off this here conversation. It’s like this: we paint the outside of the building some nondescript color, like a beige or white or teal or something.

Biff: Teal?! How is that nondescript?

Tommy: It’s nondescript when you’ve smoked a bowl or seven, and what do you think our customers will be doing before, during, and after they shop here?

Biff: Smoking weed. Gotcha. Smart.

Tommy: After we finish the painting, we get super enlarged versions of the logos for all the products we carry and post them all around the building. They’ll stand out from the walls because of the nondescript background color.

Biff: All the products? You mean just the most popular ones, right?

Tommy: No, I mean all the products. How do we know which products will be the most popular, dummy? We haven’t opened up yet.

Biff: We could do market research. Look at what other stores like ours have been doing. Hold focus groups. Read trade journals. Tons of ways, actually, that we could find out more about our target audience and their preferences.

Tommy: Tons of ways to blow smoke up my ass, too, but I don’t go there for the pleasure department, do I?

Biff: What?

Tommy: I mean just because we can do something because it makes sense in the traditional business world doesn’t mean it will make sense in the world of a weed-fueled shopper.

Biff: You’ve got a point.

Tommy: Course I’ve got a point. We need to be in the minds of our customers. How do we do that? We sample the complementary products the weeds shops are hocking. Ride the baked wave. Sample the purple sun.

Biff: Purple sun? Is that a cultural reference I’m too young to understand?

Tommy: No, the sun literally looks purple when you’re high as shit.

Biff: I have to start smoking more. Just looks plain old yellow to me. Hey, if we stare at it for too long after we’ve been smoking, do you think it will still damage our eyesight?

Tommy: Not a chance. When the visual receptors change to allow the viewer to see purple, a special organic compound is released into the eye that acts as an SPF agent. It’s like you’re wearing the most protective lenses that Maui Jim has to offer, but you save money on pricey shades and get to get high instead. Total win!

Biff: Give me that shit, Hoss. I want to see the purple, and this logo idea is the best. One look and the bakers won’t know what to buy, so they’ll just buy everything!

Tommy: Which will give us maximum funds to buy more of what we need:

Together: Purple Paradise weed.

Thus began the logo-covered convenience store near me, or so I imagine. Just a bunch of stoners? Maybe. Probably. Or perhaps some brilliant psychoanalytic business geniuses. Who knows? Exercise makes me think of weird stuff.

Or maybe it’s that Purple Paradise in the air?

FacebookGoogle+PinterestRedditTwittertumblrEmail



Leave a Reply





Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, musician, family man, and juggler of balls--big ones. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

0 Comments Load Comments


roller coaster

Thrill Ride

I delivered my 10th speech at Toastmasters this past Thursday, earning me the ranking of Competent Communicator (CC), as if there was any doubt. I've found it helpful to post these speeches here, as 1) they might help you light a fire under your ass to start your public speaking journey, and 2) I...

[ Swap Article ]

The sun painted chalk on the asphalt

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #17

I find myself sitting at my kitchen table on the best day of the year, weather wise. I'm inside but close enough to the patio door to feel the sun's rays radiating through the glass. Their circle of influence grows strong today. ...

[ Swap Article ]

???????????????????????????????????????

10 Things I Learned from Fast & Furious Movies

Amy and I watched all eight Fast & Furious (FF) movies over the past couple of weeks. We had seen the first couple, but nothing post Paul Walker (RIP), and it had been years since the franchise debuted, so we started at the beginning. They are pure escapist pleasure, short on substantive plotting,...

[ Swap Article ]

masters degree, 3D rendering, triple flags

Just Like Howard

The books punched through the plaster and lathe boards and utilities recessed in the ceiling, through the rafters and sheathing and shingles, sending splinters flying and pipes bursting. Roofing materials exploded into a thousand lethal projectiles as the book pile launched into the atmosphere. With...

[ Swap Article ]

Claw scratch on white background, a vector illustration.

New Claws

The end has come for a man called Logan. That was his name, wasn't it? I don't know, man. ...

[ Swap Article ]

The United States of Russia

Review: The United States of Russia

With his third album, The United States of Russia, NYC-based comic Ben Rosenfeld covers new ground--frozen, depressing, vodka-soaked ground, that is. This album debuted on January 19 and quickly claimed the #1 slot on iTunes comedy albums. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Empty Theater Chairs

10 Reasons the Cheap Theater Rocks

1. You can see many of the big blockbusters weeks, perhaps even months, after they hit first-run theaters, solidifying your status as fashionably late and appreciative of the finer, aged things in life--such as yourself. ...

[ Swap Article ]

North Silver Falls Oregon. the trail takes you behind this beautiful waterfall with a huge cave like overhang.  Silver falls state park, Oregon

The Nature of Faith

We and California family members spent the last Saturday of 2017 exploring the trails and waterfalls of Silver Falls State Park. We've spent ample time hiking trails in the Columbia River Gorge and other areas surrounding the Portland metro, but these Silver Falls waterfalls were something...

[ Swap Article ]

2018 year goals list on napkin

Editor's Note--TFF Issue #16

2017 is coming to a close. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Im your king

The Privilege of Decision

I delivered the speech below as project #6 in my Toastmasters journey to earning my Competent Communicator award. Wish you had been there, dear reader. Someday. For now, here's the text: ...

[ Swap Article ]

Addicted

Constant Friend

Numbers. ...

[ Swap Article ]

One unique pawn on top of common pawns

Pawned Irish

I looked up to the right ...

[ Swap Article ]