insurance design

Smoking Charges Ignite

Last night, Amy took Anna, our seven-year-old, to the dress rehearsal for her 2015 dance recital. I was left in charge of Will, our nine-year-old, and Ella, our three-year-old. What follows is a litany of the kids showing me that I exist in their world as a piece of tightly-spun twine, permanently...

[ Swap Article ]

Sad Child


Our actions become our kids' reactions. Not exactly new. Not exactly Newtonian (pause while joke sinks in). But it's a truism all the same. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Car radio

Piece of Sh*t Car Reprise

When I was in high-school, a popular song named "Ode to My Car," by Adam Sandler, spun regularly on the radio. No, it didn't. All foul-mouthed teenage boys wished such happy, unfiltered radio days would appear, but that didn't stop the explicit lyrics from making an impact, even if the song's plot...

[ Swap Article ]


Advertise Here

At Toastmasters last week, the theme was National Velociraptor Awareness Day (a real thing). During Table Topics, one of the questions was this: describe your experience finding the first velociraptor claw. Tonight, the whole family is going to watch Avengers: …...

[ Swap Article ]


Certain messes in life are unavoidable. If you get a DUI and your hair is sufficiently mussed or you manage to jam your finger into the nearest outlet just prior to the mug-shot, chances are you'll be a big-time celebrity some day. ...

[ Swap Article ]

A Reasonable Explanation

Therapist: Take me back to the beginning. Tell me how it all got started, how you eventually wound up holding the bloody knife in the aftermath of your killing spree. I'm sure there's a reasonable explanation....

[ Swap Article ]

That's a Mouthful

Waking up to the sounds of birds and (outside) insects is alluring, and when you have your second 10th cup of coffee and realize you are on vacation, and this auditory lovemaking is real, not the result of an ambitious-carpet-cleaning hallucination, you can finally relax, letting your bulk stress...

[ Swap Article ]

Stupid Piece of ... Oh, That's Right

I'm a realist. I call things like they are, and if I look stupid in the process, well, so be it. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Deadly Donuts

The morning started off good. Four eggs fluffed with a splash of milk, mixed with Parmesan and salt and black pepper and red pepper flakes and slathered with Cholula hot sauce; four ounces of Bob Evan's spicy Italian sausage (sorry for the smell, honey, luv ya) fried into the wonderful concoction;...

[ Swap Article ]

When Did I Become a Pushover?

I've never thought of myself as the Ultimate Fighter type. As a kid, whenever the possibility of bodily harm came up, I tried to avoid confrontation. But if the issue was pressed, I could stand up and issue fake threats along with the best of them and hope that my manufactured bravado was enough to...

[ Swap Article ]

As I Approach 30

I live in a small town. Colona, IL has a population of just over 5,000. As a jogger, this means I am usually only assaulted with exhaust fumes a few times whenever I decide to go outside to burn some calories. But as far as the type of people passing me on the roadside? Over this, I have no control....

[ Swap Article ]


Filed Under , on April 27th, 2019

Time Traveling Titan

By Seth Kabala

At Toastmasters last week, the theme was National Velociraptor Awareness Day (a real thing). During Table Topics, one of the questions was this: describe your experience finding the first velociraptor claw. Tonight, the whole family is going to watch Avengers: Endgame. In the spirit of honoring the meeting’s theme, Table Topics question, and tying in with our evening plans, I’m going to discuss how raptor claws helped me legitimize a business idea, save the universe, and provide good pubic service.

Warning: stream of consciousness writing (and heavily diluted spoilers) ahead.

* * *

For my DNA replication and bio-weapons business, I wanted to use my time-machine to go get a raptor claw from the actual time period when raptors were living. Tons of destructive power wrapped up in those cells, especially live ones. My initial idea was to turn on Jurassic Park, reach into the screen, and grab a claw from the scientists or even off one of the animals. (A mean one, like the one that had ripped off Mr. Arnold’s arm, and other body parts. Not the nice ones that wanted to move to Zootopia.)

That didn’t fly for two reasons. First, there’s some concept of recorded reality versus actual reality, which means that whatever I see on screen isn’t an actual replication of life; it’s a recorded version of a fictional story. Who knew, right? Even if it had been an actual live recording, there’s this other problem known as the telecommunications conundrum, which means that something displayed on screen is a light pixel representation–another copy–of something happening somewhere else. It’s not real.

We appear to be a nation of story tellers and bullshit artists. Can’t rely on anything.

The second reason is more practical: Thanos had stolen my time-machine. You know all the prizes they offer in boxes of sugary cereal? If you collect one of every prize offered in all the most popular boxes of cereal (Waffle Crisp, anyone?) produced from the 1980s through today, the prizes all click together like Legos and form a working time-machine. There’s no need for a time stone when you’re committed to decades of consuming entire boxes of chopped and formed sugar.

Back to Thanos.

After performing a reductive math operation on the universe’s population, Thanos had gotten lazy and fat and had accidentally sat on his time infinity stone, breaking it. For having the power to create, destroy, and control the universe, the infinity stones are surprisingly fragile. I’m not sure how Thanos found out about my time-machine. I only did one interview, with the New York Times, and who reads that? It’s fake, right?

After Thanos hi-jacked and narfed up my time-machine, I had to resort to my second favorite business idea generation technique: walking around with my DNA scanner/replicator. Lucky for me, on the day I switched gears to go for this walk, it was National Velociraptor Awareness Day, and a museum exhibit had come to town. I steered in, scanned the velociraptor claw, which, of course, was on display first thing as I walked in the door.

The scan results combined with the molecular structure of Adamantium (oh, yeah. I’ve got that, too. Logan and I go way back. He helped me with that problem of the damn fork tines always bending at uneven angles. So annoying when you’re trying to slide in the perfect bite of cheese cake. Uugghh! Thanks, Logan) produced a blade strong enough to cut through the fabric of reality and time. I was able to track down Thanos and strip him of his remaining infinity stones and bring him to justice. He will forever be a public servant, doing the heavy lifting of the people, helping to generate smiles on the faces of the masses, a feat only possible as a full-time pro-wrestler for WWE. Meanwhile, my super sharp blade has revolutionized the transportation industry. Universal win!

 * * *

Update: Endgame had nothing to do with sugary cereal and everything to do with breeding the next generation of virtual reality digitization interfaces. What the hell does that mean?

You puzzle it out while I go get another cup of coffee.

I think I was half asleep while writing this.

Okay three-quarters.


Leave a Reply

Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

Tags: , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , , ,

0 Comments Load Comments

Review-Don't Shake Your Miracle

Review: Don't Shake Your Miracle

Ben Rosenfeld brought many talents with him when he emigrated from Russia to the United States as a boy. One of those was a talent for academics. Ben was once accepted into a PhD program, but he had the good sense to give up the unstable career of academia for the solid financial underpinning of a...

[ Swap Article ]

Pop Art Businessman Sweating in Warm Office with Fan. Vector illustration

Sweat, Inc.

I sweat at night when we're sitting on the couch. It's like I'm afraid that at any minute, some black-ops interrogator is going to burst through the door and start waterboarding me. Black Ops Dude: "We know you broke those candy bars in half while they were still in the wrappers when you were six,...

[ Swap Article ]

wysiwyg, 3D rendering, metal text on rust background

Editor's Note--TFF Issue 22

I'm convinced that budget cuts are the reason for the delays between fireworks during the Fourth of July show. Likely conversation if I were industrious enough to plant bugs: "Hey, if we only light one every 30 seconds to a minute, they won't notice. They'll have a chance to discuss the color...

[ Swap Article ]

Old Camper or Crystal Meth Lab

Little Meth Lab on the Back 40

I told a colleague that you could buy 12 acres in rural Iowa, plus a private lake, forest, and a decent house for $325K. He mentioned something about using all the extra savings to catch the backwoods economic wave in Iowa and start up a meth lab operation. This colleague has lived his whole life in...

[ Swap Article ]

Children, not, allowed, sign

Barn Kids

Amy and I have been looking at properties with land, something on the order of 1-5 acres. One of these properties had several out-buildings (or outhouses, as Amy continues to misidentify them. Never at a loss for where to drop your drawers on our property!). These out-buildings weren't run-down,...

[ Swap Article ]


Accidental Smellfungus

Toki has been our cat since 2012. He's a ragdoll breed, which means he's docile to the extreme. You know when cowboys ride bulls in the rodeo? Our kids used to treat Toki as their bull, and he dutifully complied, although in recent years, I've spotted him crawling toward the edge of the ring, if we...

[ Swap Article ]

Open and closed recycle brown carton delivery packaging box.

The Unboxing

Shortly after moving to Portland, I asked our office administrative specialist to order me a footrest. I asked for the footrest for a practical reason: lower back pressure relief. I have a stand-up desk. This works well to get my stand hours in during the day--Apple faithful, you know what I'm...

[ Swap Article ]

God character working on telemarketing vector illustration. Telemarketing, sales, business, marketing design concept

Let there Be Devices

We have over a dozen devices now, and the number is only going to grow from here. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Money eye bottle soda water isolated on mascot

Hydrating Water

Phil wasn't sure what caused his muscles to dehydrate and shrivel up into jerky encased in skin, but he understood the aftermath. His career was over. ...

[ Swap Article ]

Einstein - Think

You're Smart

We were talking around the dinner table about what it means to get a college degree. I said you pass a bunch of tests, and then they give you a piece of paper that says you're smart. I finished my explanation saying employers can rely on that piece of paper as evidence that you're smart. Anna, 11,...

[ Swap Article ]

Madre Greater than Padre

Madre > Padre

A couple weeks ago, Amy diagnosed and changed out all three fuses that controlled electrical flow to the outlets in our car. Super sexy. Super cool. When I say that Amy did it, I don't mean that I was standing on the sidelines, guiding hands and helping words coaching her to a successful solution. I...

[ Swap Article ]

Ben Comedy Main Headshot 2019 Lego Tshirt Hi Res_May 2019 Profile Piece

An Interview with Ben Rosenfeld (feature)

Acceptance and Current Events ...

[ Swap Article ]