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Filed Under , on April 27th, 2019

Time Traveling Titan

By Seth Kabala

At Toastmasters last week, the theme was National Velociraptor Awareness Day (a real thing). During Table Topics, one of the questions was this: describe your experience finding the first velociraptor claw. Tonight, the whole family is going to watch Avengers: Endgame. In the spirit of honoring the meeting’s theme, Table Topics question, and tying in with our evening plans, I’m going to discuss how raptor claws helped me legitimize a business idea, save the universe, and provide good pubic service.

Warning: stream of consciousness writing (and heavily diluted spoilers) ahead.

* * *

For my DNA replication and bio-weapons business, I wanted to use my time-machine to go get a raptor claw from the actual time period when raptors were living. Tons of destructive power wrapped up in those cells, especially live ones. My initial idea was to turn on Jurassic Park, reach into the screen, and grab a claw from the scientists or even off one of the animals. (A mean one, like the one that had ripped off Mr. Arnold’s arm, and other body parts. Not the nice ones that wanted to move to Zootopia.)

That didn’t fly for two reasons. First, there’s some concept of recorded reality versus actual reality, which means that whatever I see on screen isn’t an actual replication of life; it’s a recorded version of a fictional story. Who knew, right? Even if it had been an actual live recording, there’s this other problem known as the telecommunications conundrum, which means that something displayed on screen is a light pixel representation–another copy–of something happening somewhere else. It’s not real.

We appear to be a nation of story tellers and bullshit artists. Can’t rely on anything.

The second reason is more practical: Thanos had stolen my time-machine. You know all the prizes they offer in boxes of sugary cereal? If you collect one of every prize offered in all the most popular boxes of cereal (Waffle Crisp, anyone?) produced from the 1980s through today, the prizes all click together like Legos and form a working time-machine. There’s no need for a time stone when you’re committed to decades of consuming entire boxes of chopped and formed sugar.

Back to Thanos.

After performing a reductive math operation on the universe’s population, Thanos had gotten lazy and fat and had accidentally sat on his time infinity stone, breaking it. For having the power to create, destroy, and control the universe, the infinity stones are surprisingly fragile. I’m not sure how Thanos found out about my time-machine. I only did one interview, with the New York Times, and who reads that? It’s fake, right?

After Thanos hi-jacked and narfed up my time-machine, I had to resort to my second favorite business idea generation technique: walking around with my DNA scanner/replicator. Lucky for me, on the day I switched gears to go for this walk, it was National Velociraptor Awareness Day, and a museum exhibit had come to town. I steered in, scanned the velociraptor claw, which, of course, was on display first thing as I walked in the door.

The scan results combined with the molecular structure of Adamantium (oh, yeah. I’ve got that, too. Logan and I go way back. He helped me with that problem of the damn fork tines always bending at uneven angles. So annoying when you’re trying to slide in the perfect bite of cheese cake. Uugghh! Thanks, Logan) produced a blade strong enough to cut through the fabric of reality and time. I was able to track down Thanos and strip him of his remaining infinity stones and bring him to justice. He will forever be a public servant, doing the heavy lifting of the people, helping to generate smiles on the faces of the masses, a feat only possible as a full-time pro-wrestler for WWE. Meanwhile, my super sharp blade has revolutionized the transportation industry. Universal win!

 * * *

Update: Endgame had nothing to do with sugary cereal and everything to do with breeding the next generation of virtual reality digitization interfaces. What the hell does that mean?

You puzzle it out while I go get another cup of coffee.

I think I was half asleep while writing this.

Okay three-quarters.

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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