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Filed Under , on June 29th, 2019

Editor’s Note–TFF Issue 22

By Seth Kabala

I’m convinced that budget cuts are the reason for the delays between fireworks during the Fourth of July show. Likely conversation if I were industrious enough to plant bugs: “Hey, if we only light one every 30 seconds to a minute, they won’t notice. They’ll have a chance to discuss the color schemes and special distribution of the lighting patterns when they explode. If they ever question why it’s taking so long, we’ll offer free beer in the park. Drunks lose all track of time anyway. This way, we can save the multiple deployments for the very end, save money, and pay ourselves fat bonuses on the public dole.”

It’s a grand conspiracy to defraud the public. Don’t fall for it.

Then again, maybe there’s no planning involved. Maybe they’re sitting back there with all the beer they were supposed to use to stock the free beer garden, getting completely shit-faced, and every once in a while remembering they’re supposed to light the mortar cannons that launch the fireworks. Alcohol and fireworks. There’s never been a more powerful combination that increased the revenue of emergency rooms.

Perhaps opposing political rally members, who bloody themselves in the name of something or other, could come close. People who take political stances to the point of physical violence are like shape-shifters. Hard to tell from day-to-day what they actually stand for, if anything. Back on message, this is also a good money-maker, so maybe parks and recreation committees, political rally sponsors, and hospitals are all in cahoots together. I’d better watch myself. I’m starting to sound like I need my own podcast and branded merch.

Depending on with which corner of the room your allegiance lies, this issue of TFF has been all about naked innocence, taking things at face value, not assuming for a second that we were serving you the literary equivalent of Dwight Shrute’s cutting the face off of the first aid training dummy and wearing it–or–it’s been about metaphorical world-building, where what you read and what you interpret are wholly your own. Pick a side. Wear their colors. Have fun. Follow your thoughts wherever the words carry you. Above all, relax and breathe.

Curious about the effects of marijuana legalization? Read your local newspaper or the cable news outlets. Have you seen the shit we write? Facts are not our forte. Fantasy? Oh, yeah. That’s more like it. If you were nervous about the dark side of drug legalization coming into the light, don’t be. We’ve imagined the fields of Iowa filled with legal meth. The economic forecast is smokin’.

Looking for alternative living quarters for your unruly children? Take a gander at Barn Kids. Amy and I think this has strong potential as a Netflix show, and given the rare quantity of those these days, we expect a revenue-sharing agreement on the order of one-tenth of one cent per view. 10,000,000 views from now, I might be able to quit my day job. Who needs college? Instant riches ahead.

What’s happening in the world of NYC comic Ben Rosenfeld? That’s the question on everybody’s mind, and we’ve answered it for you. Ben’s family is expanding, as is his humor variety. However, if you’ve held onto the old cravings for maniacal dance instructors and manhood becoming currency for the mob, Ben is here to satisfy.

Free beer is nice. If you want a lot of this, find yourself some buddies who like to tailgate and always be a last-minute addition to the group. Works the same way for fantasy football draft parties. If you choose this strategy, I hope your social skills are up to par, because you’ll need them to make new friends often. This strategy, like the modus operandi of questioning the intent behind every word and every action, is a sure-fire pathway to stress and discontentment.

Could you get mad at something we’ve written? Sure. That’s your right. Just know that there’s almost no chance we were serious (or entirely sober) while writing these pieces. Take them for what they are–the best written entertainment around!–then grab your own beer, head to the fireworks, and breathe, folks.

Ooh and aah, intermittently, if necessary.

Then breathe again.

And repeat.

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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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