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Children, not, allowed, sign

Filed Under , , on June 22nd, 2019

Barn Kids

By Seth Kabala

Amy and I have been looking at properties with land, something on the order of 1-5 acres. One of these properties had several out-buildings (or outhouses, as Amy continues to misidentify them. Never at a loss for where to drop your drawers on our property!). These out-buildings weren’t run-down, falling-apart, used as dual-purpose animal houses/scenes for a horror movie; they looked decent. With a little TLC, we think they could add to the appeal of the property. One or even two guest houses are a possibility.

But all those plans went out the emotional window when our kids would not stop fighting while we were looking at this property. Minecraft–”Don’t you dare build on top of my tree.” Watching funny videos–”Cat and dog videos are so boring.” *turns swivel chair around to cover laugh* Fortnite–”Stop shooting me in the head! Stop shooting me in the head!” Example quotes of the Mad Hatter theme running 24/7 in our house. So screw the renovations. Screw the guest houses. If we get the property with all the out-buildings, we’re starting a mockumentary show called Barn Kids.

* * *






PA and MA KABALA both sit in wicker rockers, enjoying cocktails. It is obvious from their slurred speech that they’ve been heavy into this bottle of Jack Daniels (visible on the table between them) for some time. They break the fourth wall by looking into and talking directly to the camera, as though responding to an interviewer’s questions.

All scenes will follow breaking-the-fourth-wall format.


We had no choice, really. The commotion got to be

more than we could take.


He’s right. I mean, they’re good kids, but we didn’t

want to get run out of town on a rail.


Neighbors have been complaining to the City



Council members are seated. The meeting is about to begin. Already, it is abuzz with fidgeting audience members and murmured conversations. There is a palpable sense that this won’t be your normal City Council meeting. The first item on the agenda is citizen testimony. Five CONCERNED NEIGHBORS have signed up to give testimony on the growing noise nuisance problem at the Kabala farm. COUNCIL CLERK announces the testimony lineup. MAYOR invites CONCERNED NEIGHBOR 1 to the dais.


Good evening. Please keep your remarks to three

minutes or less, as we have many folks testifying.


It’s madness over there at the Kabala property. I

walk out my front door to get my paper, and before

I know it, I’m sliding on my butt down the front

steps, bumping along like my skin is sticking to a

slide. Thought I heard a coyote. Here I am getting

ready to meet my maker, and I look over there, and

it’s just their kids, howling like they’re about to go

werewolf or something, which

CONCERNED NEIGHBOR 1′s voice drops to a whisper.

I tell you, is a distinct possibility you should investigate.


WILL KABALA is sitting on a bale of hay, sketch-pad in hand. ANNA KABALA and ELLA KABALA are in the background taking turns swinging on a rope that’s suspended from the rafters in the barn. WILL is in a mellow mood. ANNA and ELLA are howling with glee, like they’re in the midst of issuing war cries and slaughtering enemy troops with bayonets and machetes.

WILL keeps his eyes trained on his sketch-pad at all times.


We didn’t mean to scare the old lady. That’s how we get

ideas for art and for survival. Mice aren’t easy to catch.




Getting kicked out of the house was the best thing for me.

I’ve picked up cat clan training skills.


And flash roasting by siphoning gas off of the propane

tank. That keeps them super crispy.


Responding to a quote from the interviewer.


“[T]he best thing for me”? Wow. I call that successful



With tears in her eyes and a choaked-up voice.

So true.

* * *

Barn Kids. Coming to a parenting seminar near you.

Followed closely by a Netflix original series.


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Seth Kabala

About: Seth Kabala
Seth is an entrepreneur, writer, and musician. He lives with his wife and three children in Portland, OR.

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